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This is a disguised monologue based on one client’s story. The name and details have been changed. Janie, a psychology graduate student tries to understand why she can’t let go and move on after a betrayal and traumatic event.
Janie:
"How do you stop thinking the past and instead focus on your current life? Or future? I can’t let go.
My story. It wasn’t rape but it was… a psychological rape. About five years ago, when I was 30, my oldest friends, people I knew since kindergarten reported me to authorities for something I never did, an actual crime. They, my trusted circle, so to speak, went all out to ruin me - my relationships, work life, sanity, everything. I was investigated. It was misinformation, supposedly, but I suspect they knew all along it was not true. Anyway, this one girl, a former best friend, had this expensive leather jacket that disappeared. The thing was, she had stashed a wad of cash, $5000 in the pocket that she had just inherited from her grandfather. He had saved it in a drawer of his dresser. Turned out she left the jacket at some random party but she had removed the money and hidden it somewhere else before going. She forgot that she had done so and it took a long time to locate it. I think she has blackouts. The finger was pointed at me because I had borrowed the jacket a few times.
Even if she, they, were under the wrong impression this went so far...it… it was living hell. It made no sense. I had the feeling that the lynch mob situation was serving some other purpose for them... power, fun, bonding...which hurt more than anything. I was able to set things right, but for months I took meds for panic, fast heartbeat, sweating, nightmares, shaking. I had never taken meds but after being diagnosed with PTSD….
To fall apart, it’s not my usual lot. It was the shock. Even after the truth came out, this girl, she told bigger tales to save face. She accused me of lying about things in the past, said that I was removed from a job for ill conduct, that I was “controlling,” “cruel,” “deceptive.” That was torment – people who had always known me looking at me twice, turning away. I could not understand why they did not see. I realized that there was nothing salvageable and severed ties.
When I look back, she was always kind of crazy and kind of mean. I never should have hung out with her. That's what my Mom used to say… When she insulted me which happened often, Mom would say that I was above her, that she couldn’t touch me. It sounds elitist, but my mother was trying to boost my self-esteem. Anyway, this girl, she did, touch me, maybe torture is a better word…
It wasn’t really about the money or the jacket, I don’t think, this betrayal. It was something deeper. She turns on people –black and white thinking like in borderline personality. She needed to destroy me for some reason. People said she was jealous, who knows…She has this annihilation issue. In high school, when she thought that someone crossed her, there was this a split second transformation: a black cloud moved into her face, her eyes got vacant, her body hardened into a fixed determination. She would then methodically enlist others to turn on that person. One by one. She’d sob about how she was being victimized and act needy, and others would rush to her rescue. I guess she has a vulnerable side, but honestly her aggression is scary.
Once this mutual friend told her that she did something that hurt him and she called everyone to say he was mistreating her. Tried to destroy every relationship he had. He forgave her. People fear her wrath, gossip and revenge. She once burned her exes belongings in a fire.
Anyway, she has…is it hubris?… false pride. She walks tall. Says things like she is smarter than any person she ever met, has the ‘best” face, her musical talent is unusual… now I realize how grandiose that is. She does have a decent life, so I really do not get it.
I know that some people cannot bear someone else’s happiness. They take possession or destroy even if they don’t even really want that thing.
I think about her, it too much. My boyfriend says I need to look forward. I know I could feel better if I could what’s that word, it starts with an E, expunge? exterminate?, exorcise - exorcise… that’s it, the whole event.
I have been trying to understand my resistance, analyze my reasons for not letting go. Can I read you my list?
1. I want to fix it, make others see and I think I can. Maybe that's a form of arrogance. And compulsion. Or hope…
2. I can't accept that others did not take my part but then again I don't know if they really care about anyone.
3. This group, she, are all I have ever known. I cling to the past rather than face change, uncertainty…
4. I do not know who I am without a place at their table. Then again I feel sort of free and do not have to fear gang up, judgment, gossip anymore.
5. I can't will my thoughts another way. I know CBT techniques but wonder if staying in a negative place motivates me. I read somewhere that being dissed or "pissed" is a great way to accomplish things.
6. I have a need to comprehend. Einstein said that there are people whose greatest desire is to comprehend.
7. I am afraid to make new friends. I am socially fearful, avoidant and clingy.
8. Even if the good part was an illusion, illusions work, right? The fantasy and distortion we create to survive?
9. This break off was inevitable. If people malign others they will malign you too.
10. What if my mind were emptied of this? There's a void. Like when people prefer electric shocks to doing nothing in that study you told me about.
11. I always wonder if evil exists. I cannot figure out if she is evil or just really, really disturbed or both.
12. I was sort of suicidal when it happened. But later, it was a motor. A hair shirt. It kept me moving.
Now, I want to be done. I just want to let it go.. "
Letting go and focusing on the future is common advice and good advice. Knowing how to do this is another matter. Insight into your resistances, fears, conflicts and inhibitions has the paradoxical effect of moving you forward.
Here is an article by a psychiatrist about the pain of betrayal: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?_r=0
Here is a way to assess when it is time to move on:http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-13860/20-signs-its-time-to-let-go-move-on.html
A scholarly piece about re-thinking rumination:http://pps.sagepub.com/content/3/5/400.short?rss=1&ssource=mfc
Research on rumination, depression and anxiety:http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4116082/
