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Yes, I watch Patti Stanger, The Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo. I justify watching this guilty pleasure as "dating and relationship research." In fact, there is a lot of persuasion and influence to be learned from her show. Despite her sometimes abrasive dealings with clients, and perhaps unknown to her on a scientific level, the approach does contain enough social psychology to potentially influence men (and women) to commit. Below I will share my analysis (and tips) with you...
For those of you who don't know, Patti Stanger runs a matchmaking service called the Millionaire's Club in LA. If the name doesn't make it obvious, it is a service that couples rich men with beautiful women. Patti, a third generation matchmaker, has her own "special process" of getting these men into committed relationships. She also tapes the show around her exploits with some of these clients.
The Matchmaking Process
Each week, Patti puts her clients through a process to find them a committed, monogamous relationship. This process includes:
1) Stating values and preferences - Patti asks her clients to describe the attitudes, values, and beliefs that are motivating them towards marriage. As she asks, "why love now"? This step gets the client thinking about his own beliefs that are consistent with the decision to be committed (and not thinking about the attitudes against it). Essentially, the client "sells himself" on the idea by only considering the positives.
2) Public selection of a single partner - The process then unfolds to a huge party "mixer." The client is asked to chose one and only one date from dozens of attractive potentials. He is then required to "state his choice" to the whole group. Public declarations like that often foster commitment. This situation is no exception. The person who tells all of his friends that he's going on a diet sticks with it more - otherwise, public embarrassment results. Similarly, the man who publicly "chooses" one woman feels the pressure to confirm that choice with further commitment, or else loses face as hypocritical, fickle, or inconsistent.
3) Lavish and expensive dates - Patti then requires the man pay for a lavish "romantic" date. He is encouraged to use his wealth to invest in his potential partner. Invest he does. As I have discussed elsewhere (see here), such investment creates feelings of love and commitment, in the GIVER. It is called a "sunk cost" effect. Essentially, the more the man spends, the more he feels committed to the woman he is spending on.
Overall, the process contains an influential, multi-step formula. The clients involved persuade themselves into desiring to commit. They then publicly commit to choosing one woman. Finally, they invest in her heavily. All of these steps foster greater commitment on the part of the man, as well as increasing perceptions of the woman's worth. In the end, this building influence translates into commitment, monogamy, and sometimes marriage.
What This Means for Your Love Life
If you want a commitment from your partner, you may want to try the following:
1) Ask them about the positive features of commitment - Have a positive conversation about the commitment of others. Ask them what they like about a friend's monogamous relationship or marriage. Ask them what they like about their parents' marriage (if it is a good one). Discuss anything that gets them talking about the positive features of the type of commitment you desire. Then, let the self-selling happen. Over time, you can even subtly point out some of the features your relationship has in common with those "benefits." Or, casually remark how a benefit he/she desires can be achieved with greater commitment (just like the type of commitment THEY were talking about). It is their idea after all...
2) Get them to publicly claim you - Public acknowledgment is wide and varied. Sometimes it comes from meeting friends and family. Sometimes it results from being introduced as the "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" at a party. Other times, it means making it "Facebook official" and changing a relationship status online. In any case, the more they declare an affiliation or association with you the better. So, don't be shy. Drop by and meet their friends. Say hello on that Facebook page. Get their friends and family asking, "who is that?" Eventually, they will have to answer and claim you.
3) Require an investment - Remember you are a valuable person. Let your partner invest in you too. Let them pay for a few dates. Get them to cook you dinner. Have them work for your time, affection, and attention a bit too. All of this will increase their "sunk costs", will get them to see you as more clearly valuable, and will grow their feelings of commitment to the relationship. (Again, see here for more).
Conclusion
Sometimes commitment just needs a little nudge to get moving. Perhaps a partner hasn't really considered all of the benefits of a loving promise. Maybe he or she just has to include you in with family and friends to see how well you fit. Or, perhaps, your partner needs to invest a bit more and truly feel your worth. In any case, you can take charge and be your own matchmaker. Just follow the steps and be persuasive...
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Until next time...happy dating and relating!
Dr. Jeremy Nicholson
The Attraction Doctor
Previous Articles from The Attraction Doctor
- Why Dating Often Fails and How You Can Succeed!
- Why People Say Yes to Sex!
- Are Pick-Up Tactics Sexy or Sexist?
© 2011 by Jeremy S. Nicholson, M.A., M.S.W., Ph.D. All rights reserved.
