What Partners Need to Know About Each Other's Sexual Goals

People have sex for a lot of different reasons. There are times when they do it just for the sheer pleasure of it. Sometimes they have sex because they want something from their partner, and other times they do it to please their partner. And then there are times when lovers have sex to affirm their bond to each other.

Traditional social norms tell us that the only acceptable reason for having sex is to increase intimacy within a committed relationship. But even in committed relationships, partners have various—and often conflicting—reasons for having sex. They might have sex to please their partner, or out of a sense of obligation. And even committed partners can have sex for the sheer fun of it.

So, when your partner agrees to have sex, do you know what their motives are? This is the question that University of Toronto psychologist Norhan Elsaadaway and colleagues explored in an article they recently published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

What Are Sexual Goals?

An individual’s motivation for having sex on a particular occasion is known as that person’s sexual goal. Presumably, you know why you have just agreed to have sex with your partner. But how well can you perceive what their sexual goal is? Are they doing it because they feel the same way you do? Or are they trying to accomplish something different?

When studying people’s motivations for engaging in various acts, psychologists distinguish between approach and avoidance motives. Examples of approach motives would include having sex with your partner for the sheer enjoyment of it or because you want to feel closer to them. In contrast, avoidance motives would be reasons such as not wanting to hurt their feelings by rejecting them or fearing you’ll damage the relationship if you say no.

In sex, as in other realms of human behavior, approach motives generally lead to better outcomes. We enjoy the experience more and get a boost in our self-esteem. But we rarely enjoy doing things because we fear a negative outcome otherwise, and our self-esteem suffers as well.

So, if you want the sexual encounter to be as satisfying for your partner as it is for you, you’ll want to make sure they’re doing it for approach motives. But since lovers rarely talk about their reasons for having sex, it’s up to each of them to intuit their partner’s motives.

Previous research shows that people in long-term relationships are generally good at perceiving their partner’s intentions and motivations. This makes sense, after all, since couples need to coordinate their interactions on an ongoing basis. However, little research has touched on this issue within the sexual realm until now.

How Well Do People Perceive Their Partners’ Sexual Goals?

To learn more about how well people perceive their partner’s sexual goals, Elsaadawy and colleagues recruited 121 couples in long-term relationships, who responded to a daily survey for 21 days. On days in which they had sex, each partner indicated their reasons for doing so and also what they thought their partner’s reasons were. Because both partners responded, the researchers could compare Partner A’s stated sexual goals with Partner B’s perception of them.

In addition, the participants also indicated their current level of relationship quality and sexual satisfaction. The researchers asked these questions to see whether either of these was related to their accuracy in perceiving their partner’s sexual goals. In general, partners who are better at perceiving their partner’s intention report greater satisfaction in their relationship, so the researchers wanted to see if this extended to the sexual realm as well.

The results showed that people are pretty accurate at perceiving their partner’s sexual goals. Unlike prior research, however, perceptual accuracy wasn’t related to either relationship quality or sexual satisfaction in this case.

Rather, what mattered was whether the perception was positive or negative. That is, when people perceived their partner as having an approach motive for sex, they felt happier about their relationship and their sex life. Moreover, this was true regardless of the partner’s true sexual goals.

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On further reflection, this pattern of findings makes sense, and it matches what most of us have experienced in our own lives. For the most part, people want a sexual encounter to be enjoyable for both partners, and this is true whether it’s a one-night stand or lovemaking within a committed relationship. Believing that your partner is having as much fun as you are is the key to thrilling sex, whereas knowing they’re not really getting into it dampens the pleasure for you as well.

The findings from studies such as this by Elsaadawy and colleagues remind us of the importance of open communication in intimate relationships. In our culture, sex is often a taboo topic of conversation, even between sex partners. Rather, we expect our partner to intuit our feelings and intentions. Although we’re pretty good at doing this, our relationships can slide into a rut or even a downward spiral when we’re reluctant to express our needs, hoping our partners will somehow read our minds instead.

Especially in committed relationships, open discussions of sexual needs are essential for long-term happiness. Instead of just expecting the moment to happen, we need to ask our partners if they’re in the mood, listen attentively to their responses, and respect their boundaries. Likewise, we need to be open and honest toward our partner.

Too often, couples go through the motions of making love without communicating what their needs are, leading to a disappointing experience for both. Only by listening to your partner, and by being open with them, can the two of you negotiate sexual encounters that will make your relationship worthwhile.

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