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Key points
- It’s necessary to acknowledge and process grief, especially in the context of maternal relationships.
- The loss felt by children whose mothers are alive and unavailable is heartbreaking and often dysregulating.
- You can honor mother loss through activities like storytelling, shared activities, and journaling.
“Although we had no money
I was rich as I could be
In my coat of many colors
My momma made for me.”Coat of Many Colors by Dolly Parton
Mother's Day became an official holiday in 1914, created to celebrate mothers in life and in death. When Hallmark used commercialism to promote it, the true meaning of the day was thought to be dishonored. Though the sacredness of Mother’s Day is shrouded by ads, expensive meals, and flowers, I have witnessed as a clinician with my clients, with close friends and family members, and within myself, how this one day elicits a spectrum of emotional responses about the mother figure: Grief, love, longing, and joy are some of those responses.
Adult children might yearn for the mother as a grief response to her death, or they might mourn the relationship they wish to have with her, yet know she is unable or unwilling to give them. The loss felt by children whose mothers are alive and unavailable is heartbreaking and often dysregulating. The feeling has many factors that include an internalized sense of neglect and difficulty attaching to other love objects.
It’s necessary to acknowledge and process grief, especially in the context of maternal relationships. When there are two or three generations of mothers and daughters, celebrating the same holiday, it is difficult to navigate where to place the celebratory emphasis, especially when grief and loss are present.
Learning to integrate the feelings of grief and cope with the loss of the mother is painful, and yet grief is one of the greatest teachers. It is a hero’s journey that changes you forever and helps you understand more about your self. While you are yearning for the grief to lift, or dream for a repair of the relationship, there are strategies to help you calm your nervous system, feel more connected to yourself, and honor the mother you lost. Each strategy listed below is presented in two parts: Grief after Loss (GL) and Grief for the Unavailable Mother. (GUM)
The Three Strategies to Honor Mother Loss
1. Storytelling is a way to honor your mother. Share a funny story about her with friends or family members and ask them to share stories of what they remember about her. (GL)
Think about a woman who inspired you. This could be a mother figure, like an aunt, sister, grandparent, or a non-relative, like an author, teacher or friend. What memory story surrounds the way they influenced you or gave you a loving sense of self? Share that story with friends and family. (GUM)
2. What activities did you share with your mom? Cooking, shopping, exercising or chatting on a call? Engage in one of the activities to let your mind and body know you are recognizing her loss on a day that’s meant to celebrate the mother. She is part of your history and the memories held within your soul. If you have kids, share that same activity with them that you enjoyed with your mom, or create some new rituals. (GM)
Make a date with yourself or with a friend and treat yourself to a day of unconditional love. (Leave the judge or critic at the door.) Perhaps it's a massage, or taking a walk, a bath, or meeting with others for a shared meal. If you have kids, and the relationship is what you want it to be, celebrate your motherhood with them. If you are at odds with them, think about what you want to change or shift. (GUM)
3. Create or buy a Mother’s Day card. Write a note to your mother. True, you will not be able to give this to her; you are giving it to yourself. If this is too painful, don’t do it. If you have a journal or notebook, writing is a great way to tap into emotional release. Pick one or two words to best describe how you feel, put them on paper, and if that’s all you do, it’s enough. You can revisit them whenever you like. Journal writing reduces stress and anxiety and supports creativity. (GL)
Take some time to write to the mother you wish you’d had. What emotions are you feeling? We all have so many emotions we carry within us and it can be difficult to be precise. Here is a list of emotions. Focus on one of the most intense emotions, and have a dialogue with the emotion. Ask it, where does it exist in your body? What emotions would you rather be feeling? (GUM)
If you occupy more than one role as mother, daughter, step mother, or step daughter, Mother's Day can bring up feelings of role confusion. The complexities of navigating these dual roles offer up additional challenges of balancing caregiving responsibilities while also seeking support and guidance from one's own mother. It's essential to recognize your own needs and boundaries.
Grief is a multifaceted experience which is often intensified during significant holidays like Mother's Day. Whether mourning the loss of a mother or grappling with unresolved issues in the mother-daughter dynamic, it's crucial to honor one's emotions and seek support when needed.
References
Field T. The effects of mother's physical and emotional unavailability on emotion regulation. Monogr Soc Res Child Dev. 1994;59(2-3):208-27. PMID: 7984162.
