Narcissists Are a Lot Smarter Than You Think

Are narcissists social geniuses? Some may think so, given their seemingly superhuman abilities to manipulate their environments, but it’s difficult to differentiate how much a narcissist truly understands social situations versus their ability to simply exist in social situations as a means to an end.

The social cognition of a narcissist

Current research has focused on the social cognition of narcissists—their skills at recognizing and understanding emotions in themselves and others, whether they ever develop true empathy, and how they interact on an interpersonal level—and found interesting results. A well-established correlation between deception and narcissistic traits suggests that narcissists must be able to recognize the thoughts and feelings of others to be successful at lying to them, but at the same time, they likely have little regard for others’ emotions, as they’re willing to deceive them in the first place. Along the same lines, well-practiced narcissists are skilled at avoiding detection when they lie, giving more credibility to the idea that they can actually understand other people quite well.

So, why does a narcissist, who is able to grasp the thoughts, ideas, and feelings of other people, use that skill to hurt others? Some research points to their underlying desire to always look favorable, no matter the cost. That willingness to put others’ needs aside—and, in many cases, purposefully misuse others for personal gain—is a hallmark problem for narcissists, and one of the main reasons that it can be dangerous to engage in a relationship with them.

Narcissists want to be admired, appreciated, and set on a pedestal—but tend to decline accountability for their own behaviors. Despite their ability to see you and understand you, they often to use that knowledge to make themselves look better, whether that’s manipulating you to help build their ego or blaming you for the difficulties in their lives.

Why does a narcissist need to be socially aware?

Social awareness is a must for a narcissist; without understanding the interactions around them or being able to read between the lines in interpersonal relationships, their power over others would dissipate—and they would be required to engage, instead, in a reciprocal, meaningful relationship. The very idea of a relationship that’s a two-way street, requiring compromise and empathy, is distasteful to a narcissist; it takes less time and effort for them to simply understand what drives others’ behaviors and turn that information into a weapon.

Because narcissists’ perceptions of themselves are often overrated and grandiose, relying on their ability to safely respond to others’ emotions is less than ideal. Narcissists will not separate their inflated sense of self from the appropriate way to interact with other humans. The needs of others are a non-entity in a narcissist’s mind; their social awareness gets them in the door, so to speak, and from there, they can manipulate others at their discretion.

Teaching a narcissist to identify others’ thoughts and feelings is likely a waste of time. They already know your thoughts and feelings—they just don’t hold them in high regard. If your thoughts and feelings disagree with their own, you’ll likely be labeled negatively by a narcissist. If they can use your thoughts and feelings somehow to get what they want, you’ll be labeled positively. It’s a no-win game for anyone but the narcissist.

The next steps

Recognizing a narcissist—and standing up to them—can be terrifying. Individuals who refuse to be fuel for a narcissist’s ego are often placed on the front lines of a battle and become the narcissist’s target. This can be painful, as narcissists are masters of manipulation and will usually fall back on blaming those people who can see through their behaviors. On the flip side, recognizing a master manipulator gives you the chance to get out of a relationship with them—and refuse to be used for their personal gain.

The answer to solving the problem of narcissism may be to educate people without narcissistic tendencies on how to recognize them ahead of time. More people should be aware that narcissists are chameleons, able to morph into different social roles depending on the situation they’re in—always deeply attuned to the nuances that indicate whether someone believes them and admires them.

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A narcissist’s well-developed social cognition allows them to convince others of their worth, but it doesn’t usually last. They tend to move around briskly—both personally and professionally—and find it challenging to make relationships last, especially with individuals who are unwilling to be manipulated and coerced into giving in.

There will always be a handful of people who, for whatever reason, can’t see through the manipulation—and some who will tolerate a narcissist’s hurtful behaviors. But, to be one of those on the other side, individuals must first understand that a narcissist is always calculating how to get what they want out of their environment, and ultimately be willing to go through the fight of saying “no.”