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Key points
- People report wanting to engage in deep conversations with others, but they are reluctant to initiate them.
- New research shows that people overestimate how awkward deep conversations are, and they underestimate how well the conversations will go.
- This post includes a number of research-based tips to help you navigate deep conversations.
Research shows that deep and meaningful conversations promote social connection, yet “small talk” is the norm in most social interactions. Only about a third of our conversations involve an exchange of meaningful information. Even though people report wanting to engage in deeper conversations, they are reluctant to initiate them. New research explains why.
Michael Kardas of Northwestern University and his colleagues asked participants to engage in a deep conversation with a stranger. Participants took turns answering questions such as:
- For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, your future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
- Can you describe a time you cried in front of another person?
It sounds like a potentially awkward conversation, right? That’s what the participants thought. After learning which questions they would be discussing and before having the conversation, participants expressed concern that the conversation would be awkward—and they doubted that their partners would be interested in hearing what they had to say.
However, the results showed that participants’ concerns were overblown. Participants did feel awkward during the conversation, but much less than they expected. Participants also underestimated the extent to which their partner was interested in the conversation.
In another set of studies by the same authors, participants engaged in both shallow and deep conversations. In the shallow conversation, participants answered questions such as: How is your day going so far? In the deep conversation, participants disclosed more personal information by answering questions like: If you could undo one mistake you have made in your life, what would it be, and why would you undo it?
Though participants expected to prefer the shallow conversation, they actually preferred the deeper one. They also felt closer to their deep conversation partner than their shallow conversation partner.
Kardas’ research suggests that when we play it safe with small talk, we might be missing out on valuable opportunities for social connection.
Of course, there is an important limitation of this research: The results may not generalize to everyday life. The participants who engaged in deep conversation knew they were participating in a psychological study and that their partners had also agreed to participate. Outside of the lab, there’s no guarantee that people will be willing to have deep conversations—or that these conversations will go well. Nevertheless, there is plenty of other evidence that “deep talk” in everyday life is associated with happiness and well-being.
If you are willing to dive deeper into a conversation, consider these tips:
1. Start small.
Don’t launch a conversation with: What’s your greatest regret? Instead, start with a little small talk. Several studies demonstrate that small talk with strangers and acquaintances can improve our mood and strengthen our sense of connection. After connecting over small talk, you can then gradually wade (don’t dive) into the deep end of a conversation.
2. Expect the best.
Most people want to have deeper conversations than they typically do, so the odds are good that your conversational partner will be willing to move beyond small talk. Also, expect your conversational partner to enjoy talking to you. A 2018 study found that people tend to underestimate how much their conversational partner likes them and enjoys their company (a cognitive distortion researchers call the "liking gap").
3. Push through the awkward.
It’s true that breaking the norm of small talk can be awkward. But remember that Kardas’ research participants who engaged in both shallow and deep conversations preferred the deep ones, even though they were a little uncomfortable.
4. Be vulnerable.
It takes vulnerability to disclose intimate details about your life, but being vulnerable has positive social consequences. Research confirms that we like others who disclose to us, and we like people as a result of disclosing to them. There are some caveats, of course. Making highly negative or sensitive self-disclosures may backfire unless you have already had a foundation of mutual trust.
5. Invite people to go deep.
In my own work, I have invited diverse groups of people to try the “fast friends” technique. This technique involves having people take turns answering questions that become increasingly more personal (much like the technique used in Kardas’ research). When people gather with the intention of engaging in deep conversation, the social norms change, allowing people to be more open and authentic than they typically are. The fast-friends technique is proven to facilitate social connection and even reduce prejudice among different ethnic groups. Consider asking a friend—or group of friends—to try it out.
Bottom line
Break the norm of small talk and go a little deeper in conversation. Talk about things that really matter. It might be a little awkward at first, but it’s worth the reward of a greater connection.
Facebook image: wavebreakmedia/Shutterstock
References
Boothby, E. J., Cooney, G., Sandstrom, G. M., & Clark, M. S. (2018). The liking gap in conversations: Do people like us more than we think? Psychological Science, 29(11), 1742–1756.
Collins, N. L., & Miller, L. C. (1994). Self-disclosure and liking: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 116(3), 457–475.
Kardas, M., Kumar, A., & Epley, N. (in press). Overly shallow?: Miscalibrated expectations create a barrier to deeper conversation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
Mehl, M. R., Vazire, S., Holleran, S. E., & Clark, C. S. (2010). Eavesdropping on happiness: well-being is related to having less small talk and more substantive conversations. Psychological Science, 21(4), 539–541.
Sandstrom, G. M., & Dunn, E. W. (2014). Social Interactions and Well-Being: The Surprising Power of Weak Ties. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 40(7), 910–922.
