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Infidelity
Could You Cross Over into the Cheating Zone?
Put your relationship on alert: The case of Olivia Wilde
Posted January 18, 2021 Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
Everyone likes to think of themselves as an upstanding person, one who would never break a vow or betray someone they love. Each individual who has ever been in my office to deal with infidelity has always prefaced it by saying, “I’m a good person, but…”
How does that but come about in the face of the expectation that you will be honest and faithful to the person you have committed to? What is it that puts a person on the path from faithful to unfaithful?
Recently it was revealed that it may have played a part in the break-up of Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis. It was reported that Wilde was involved with Harry Styles before she and Jason split after spending nine years together and having two children. How does even the best-intentioned person end up actually having or flirting with the idea of an affair?
The pandemic has put a special spin on the question, as people are connecting through texting, sexting, and video chats. You might think you are innocently talking to an ex-girlfriend or co-worker across the country, but if you are sharing intimate thoughts and feelings, you could be easing your way toward an emotional virtual tryst. What are the signs that you may be at risk, online or in person?
It is important to think about what you are not getting from your relationship that could be leading you to feel resentful, angry, or neglected. There may be one big event or a series of smaller issues that stoke such feelings. Do you feel you are always shot down when you suggest something, or believe your opinion doesn’t matter? Do you feel repeatedly overpowered by your partner, and there seems to be no room for compromise?
Does your partner barely look up from their phone anymore when you tell them about your day, or even worse, display no interest in hearing about it and shut you down when you bring it up? Such repeated negative behaviors can deeply wound self-esteem and leave you to feel you are just a burden or a nag.
Additionally, has your partner stopped showing interest in having sex with you—not only not initiating sex but being unresponsive to any overtures you make as well? Such behaviors can leave you feeling rejected and undesirable.
Put it all together and you are likely to believe you just don’t matter to your partner. Feeling deprived, ignored, and unappreciated carries the greatest danger of entering what I call The Cheating Zone, the arena between potentially cheating and actually cheating. It is the point where you shift from what is seemingly an innocent conversation to a truly meaningful relationship with someone other than your committed partner.
A feeling of futility that whatever you do your relationship isn’t going to change, combined with running on emotional empty, can make you particularly vulnerable. Should someone else pay attention to you, offer a compliment, or just want to talk, the attraction can be strong . Anything that begins to feed your self-esteem can be grist for the infidelity mill.
If you find yourself feeling unhappy, fantasizing about the new person you're interacting with, or imagining ending your relationship, it is easy step from contemplation to consummation of an affair. Infidelity doesn't happen just because a paramour came along; that person likely gained entrance because of all the things driving partners apart. The third person is able to enter because there is already so much distance between spouses.
If you want to avoid such a situation, you have to acknowledge the feelings of distress you are having and take them seriously. Use them to guide you to action, whether that means negotiating specific changes in your relationship or deciding to see a counselor.
Rather than resigning yourself to being miserable, talk to your partner and let them know how distressed you are and how dire you think things could be for the relationship if you don’t deal with these problems head on. Let your partner know what needs to be different for you in order to remain in the relationship. Then give them a fair chance to work with you to make things better.
It is impossible to know what exactly took place between Wilde and Styles, or when. However, if you are feeling disconnected from your partner, communicating and recommitting to each other can help you steer clear of The Cheating Zone.
