Want Greater Connection In Sex?

"To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us." —therapist and pastor Timothy Keller

The need to find an abiding, authentic connection with someone is an essential part of creating a meaningful sexual relationship. We want to be seen, known, and loved, but too often we run from the very types of vulnerability that will provide this connection. Everyone has felt the wounds of being rejected, misunderstood, or possibly betrayed and we fear this trauma might happen again, which hampers our ability to let go and authentically connect in sex. However, as a sex researcher I have seen the evidence that shows working to be vulnerable is one of the most important elements of great sex[i]—but it's easier said than done.

How Can We Be More Disclosing and Yet Still Remain Emotionally Safe?

The short answer is, you can’t. But the longer answer is that you can learn how to develop more internal safety while you take the smart risk of being authentic to achieve more meaningful connection in your sexual relationship. Notice that I did not say more meaningful sexual connection, although that will also be a result. The meaningful connection in sex that I’m referring to is the emotional vulnerability that allows for conversations that feel a little risky but have the potential to pay off emotionally and physically. This allows one to be liberated from the fake mask and instead embrace an open, humble relationship that leads to powerful emotional and physical intimacy.

Here are three ways that mindfulness will help you achieve more connection in your sexual relationship while bolstering self-compassion, increasing your ability to notice your partner and the relational environment, and strengthening your ability to speak up and act on your feelings and thoughts.

Slow Down and Breathe

Do not underestimate this powerful choice to slow down and breathe. You can do it now: Breathe in. Notice how you feel. Breathe out. Let go of judgment.

Many studies have documented how intentionally slowing your breath and clearing your mind (even for just a short few minutes) can regulate anxiety, self-doubt, and stress.[ii] You will know yourself better as you practice paying attention to your breath. As you begin a sexual experience, slow down the initial arousal process and notice how you experience touch: What thoughts come to mind as you are embraced by your partner? Can you notice the emotion that is activated and can you describe it? Validate your experience and recognize that what you feel is critically important to the process, so do not be dismissive of these feelings.

Honor What Has Brought You (and Your Partner) to This Point

Consider for a few minutes how you came to be in this relationship. What did you overcome? What did your partner overcome? How have you grown and allowed your partner to change you for the better? Do you need to communicate about your needs better? Do you need to think of your partner more? How does conflict in your relationship help the two of you to bridge the gap and learn more about each other?

Be gentle with yourself and your partner as you evaluate how the journey with each other has molded your life and emotions. One important way to formalize this practice is to keep a journal. Journaling has been shown to help individuals process their anxiety and stress more effectively.[iii] As you review your journal, notice where you have improved or resolved issues. Celebrate even the smallest steps forward. Be kind to yourself. Do you struggle to speak up about what you want or don’t want in a sexual relationship? Write down what you would like to say or how you would like things to change. Then find a time outside of sex when you can bring this up. You could say, “You know when we tried this position the other day, I really felt distant from you. How did you feel?”

Remember That Intimacy Is More Important Than Sex

John Gottman and Ester Perel have both made this point in their discussions on sex.[iv] The mechanics of sex can be pleasurable and fun, but without a consistent emotional connection, it turns stale. I watched a documentary recently on the Ashley Madison scandal. I was not surprised to hear every person who reported having an affair but wanted to stay married stepped out because they said the relationship wasn’t exciting or had lost the zip it once had. Most people also admitted that keeping passion takes effort and they weren’t making that effort.

Instead of allowing your relationship to lose passion, do the work. Slow down and intentionally create intimacy by moving outside your comfort zone and challenging the routine that has taken hold in your relationship. Be more authentic and take the risk with this partner who you love. Suggest something new, something old, something that inspires both of you to reveal an unfamiliar part of who you are. Change up how you generally have sex. One way to do this is to approach sex like a scientist: How does this feel? Why do you like this movement? What emotion comes up for you when we engage in sex like this? These types of disclosures tend to deepen the connection, which intensifies emotional and sexual pleasure.

Sex Essential Reads

The Problem With Modern Day Sex and Love Trends

Do "Nice Men" Finish Last in Bed?

The key to feeling connection in sex is paying attention to the emotions of sex and sharing them.[v] Take the risk to reveal who you are in new ways. This process creates an ability to be seen as we are, known in more complete ways, and loved through an active and meaningful process of powerful sexual connection.