Is My Relationship Fixable or Is It Time to End It?

I wish I could tell you, reader, that there was a definitive signal for knowing whether a relationship is fixable or not, but I can’t. What is intolerable for one person is a minor annoyance for another. So, how to sort such a situation out?

You’re unhappy with your partner for reasons A or B. He or she has been told many times not to be so messy, to pick up towels and clothing from the floor, not to wear stained clothes, etcetera. Are you likely to change him or her? No. A person’s habits are pretty well ingrained by the time s/he is an adult. Can you live with this anyway? Most people can if they love this person for other reasons, but it’s your call.

He or she has lied about money or outside liaisons. In other words, s/he is a cheat. This is a more serious character flaw. Are you likely to change him or her? Probably not. You can keep your money in a private account and insist on using contraceptives for your own sexual activity and still love this person while many others might not. Again, your call.

The first set of behaviors falls under the category of personal annoyances. Messy is not a serious character flaw while being dishonest in words and deeds is.

I know one young bachelor who said his bottom line was he would never marry a fat woman; many other “flaws”, okay, but not that one. I met him a year into his marriage and his wife was large. Whether she grew that way after their marriage or he went back on his prejudice because she was loveable in other ways, I don’t know, but I do know they stayed together until her death 30 years later. Was he miserable that whole time or unable to leave, or was he content? I’ll never know.

Nor can you know what the circumstances are for other people’s relationships. “I’d never put up with that!” is something I have heard frequently, but to each his own.

And that goes for your own relationship. You may not be willing to overlook an occasional infidelity where others would. Financial cheating may do it for you as the ending point, but others may think, “Well, at least it’s not sexual infidelity!”

If you find yourself quarreling over the same issue or hurt by the same things over and over, that’s a red flag. It probably won’t change if it’s part of your partner’s regular behavior or character, so love it or leave it, reluctantly or with relief. And if you are stuck between reluctant acceptance and reluctant ending, there is always couples counseling.