Like People, Relationships Come in All Shapes and Sizes

In the park yesterday I overheard two women talking about most people’s favorite topic—other people’s relationships.

“He’s married but he vacations with somebody else.”

“Does his wife know?”

“Yes, that’s what’s so peculiar. She doesn’t seem to mind.”

“Maybe she has a lover of her own…..”

“…or maybe she’s happy to get him out from under for a week or two.”

“Well, I wouldn’t like it if my boyfriend went off for a vacation without me, with or without someone else.”

“Aren’t you sexually jealous then?”

“Not particularly. But I do insist on equality. What’s sauce for the goose and all that.”

“I don’t mean to offend but I find your position very liberated, if a bit peculiar.”

“Yeah, well. That’s me.”

The two women laughed and moved on and I smiled to myself. What had been described in that brief bit of passing conversation were two of the many forms of open relationships, and there are many more: only with women but not with men, only with men and not women, “I have to know about it” vs “Don’t ask don’t tell”, only with strangers vs only with our friends, only when you’re out of town for business vs only here at home. And more.

Sometimes I am asked which works best, and I can’t answer. What works for Person #1 who is not jealous won’t work for his or her very insecure partner. Person #3 wants all the details, before and after, while her partner prefers not to know anything about it at all.

I found it rare when a traditional or monogamous couple decides to open their relationship and we have covered all possibilities that something still doesn’t go wrong. Even the most carefully planned open arrangements can work in theory but explode when put into practice. “I didn’t think I would feel this way” or “…but we both have to have lovers, not just you!” or “But you’re having it on with my best friend. That’s not fair.”

There are some good books written on non-monagamous relationships. The Ethical Slut by Hardy and Easton is now in its third printing. There is Building Open Relationships by Powell and Wide Open: New Modes of Marriage by Block. Labriola has an audio book entitled Love in Abundance: A Counselor’s Advice On Open Relationships, and GracieX has one entitled Wide Open: My Adventures In Polyamory, Open Marriage and Loving on My Own Terms.

I do recommend reading or listening to at least one of these if you are considering some sort of nontraditional arrangement. However, even if you memorize it, that won’t be all that helpful when it comes to working out an agreement with your partner unless you hear his or her thoughts and feelings on the matter. As well as you know him or her, you may be surprised.

Cover as many aspects as you can think of. Write them down. Ask your partner if you have covered everything the two of you have wanted, and still don’t be surprised if the arrangement will need some major tweaking once put into effect.

If you’re counting on opening your relationship to solve whatever problems you are having in it, don’t. It takes a very solid relationship with excellent communications to succeed in a nontraditional one. And, yes, if all is in place, they can and do work.