What Every Breakup Needs

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Put some thought into ending things kindly.

I once heard of one member of a living-together couple ending the relationship by packing her bags and leaving a Post-it note on the refrigerator. I’m of the opinion that even refusing a second date requires more communication than that, a reason, at least, even if the one offered isn’t absolutely the blunt truth!

Years ago, I went on an arranged blind date with a man who sounded like he and I would be a great fit. I loved the way he dressed and carried himself, and his field of work was one that I was interested in. However, he was from Chicago and sounded it. His flat Midwestern accent was like fingernails on a chalkboard to me, and I couldn’t even hear through it to what he said.

What could I tell him politely that would end a relationship that got no further than a first date? I told him the truth. We both laughed, and he shrugged, and that was that. If it salvaged his ego to dismiss me as peculiar, that was all right with me.

In another instance I regret to this day, many years later, I told a man that I couldn’t imagine his touching me because he had such ugly hands. That was the truth, but why say so when nothing could be done about it? It was unnecessarily cruel, and I have learned better.

While the truth may be hurtful, it need not be unnecessarily so.

Does it seem like I am advocating telling an untruth? I’m not. I am saying that anybody is owed a reason why they should not uselessly pursue a relationship/friendship/potential love affair they would like, and telling the reason need not be unnecessarily hurtful. “You don’t make enough money” or “I don’t find you attractive” may be the truth, but why not try to salvage the other’s ego? “I don’t feel we have much in common” or “We no longer have much in common” can’t really be argued and is much kinder on the other person than “I am not attracted to you (any longer).”

Leaving a long-term relationship requires more in-depth honesty about your reasons.

Ending an existing relationship requires more, I believe. No Post-It notes, no disappearing without a word (ghosting). After all, you once loved this person, told them your dreams, shared your life or portion of one with them. In this case, I believe you owe them the honest reasons you are upsetting their life if you can put them into words not aimed to hurt.

In my own case, many years ago, I told my husband of 13 years that I no longer wanted to be married. I did not say “to you specifically” but “in general,” and I specified all the aspects of marriage that I wanted out of. There was no argument to be made, and we remained friendly until his death.

If there is another person you are leaving the relationship for, I also think it’s unnecessarily cruel to say so. “I would like to be free to see other people” is not likely as hurtful as “I would like to be free to date Pat Jones.” Don’t allow your angry feelings, if you have them, to prod you into being cruel.

In summation, when ending a relationship of any kind, be it refusing another date or ending an affair of many years, the other person is owed a reason. Yes, of course, be honest, but also find a way to not be hurtful as well.

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