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Unlike other animals, human beings have sex for lots of reasons apart from procreation. Increasingly, people seek sexual experiences for their own sake, such as consensual, novel, stimulating play—without much concern about consequences. So sex “for fun and for free” is not a stretch for most. Sexual fantasy invokes sexual desire by simply letting our imagination run wild. But how do you distinguish between which fantasies deepen sexual expression with healthy play, and which ones prey on others by repeating old traumas?
Without doubt, our culture seems sex-saturated in endlessly novel and sometimes strangely unplayful ways, with advertising and pornography predictably pre-scripting how we should have sex. Real-time play is so crucial to healthy sexuality because it’s spontaneous, not robotic, and grabs us on emotional, psychological and physiological levels all at the same time. Genuine play integrates our body and mind in unrehearsed responses to sexual play.
The brain is still considered the largest sex organ in the body for both genders. Male sexual arousal depends heavily on what’s seen whereas females have a more complex arousal pattern because they seek pleasure rather than simple orgasm, even though women tend to agree that orgasm brings more overall sexual satisfaction. But both parties require low stress levels, feeling rested and well-fed before the free reign of play can facilitate erotic states.
I define eroticism as the deliberate seeking of pleasure for sexual enjoyment. Our prodigious brains incite endless sexual fantasies from simple flirtations to the control dynamics of forcible sex. But, healthy, enjoyable, consensual sex eludes us if our lustful inclinations have been split off by trauma. And when trauma induces low self-esteem and mixes with high sexual arousal, a dangerous mixture is concocted that can lead to predatory and self-destructive behaviors.
Sexual fantasies let us travel the erotic universe without internal or societal restrictions. They allow us to experience a myriad of sexual scenarios without consequence because our imaginary self and the actors in the fantasy are in our control. The function of sexual fantasizing is a natural and fun mental power, and when they possess the essential components of play (spontaneity, dramatic exaggeration, novelty, and absence of shame) they become sexually charged. When fantasy challenges and expands our self-image, gives us license to buck societal norms, and takes us out of everyday experience we can use it effectively to spice up our intimate relationships.
Co-created fantasies can create play states by having explicit conversations with a lover because a jointly authored sexual narrative can call upon a couple to take risks. The simple act of daring to reveal sexual desires can ignite excitation, laughter, curiosity and an emotional nakedness that’s intoxicating.
Whatever a couple’s bent, sexual fantasies can shatter or solidify the relationship. When unresolved sexual trauma is reenacted in a sexual context, without explicit conversation and “safe words” (such as “tangerine” meaning stop,) unconscious feelings and perceptions may cause retraumatization. When partners can verbalize their distorted beliefs about themselves or their partner, they can begin to heal them. Deconstructing harmful self-concepts through open dialogue invites good sexual chemistry. And when sexual fantasies are co-constructed, they can lead you to a vast array of sexual possibilities without ever leaving the bedroom, or the coupleship. The novelty of letting your imagination wander with a safe other can make sex explosive and magical.
