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Authenticity connects us to a state of purpose, an internal imperative with boundless capability. It enables and reflects the courage to pursue and express our emotional truth with all its pain, passion, and brutality without a motivation to harm. Authenticity is a space of honesty, integrity, the desire for creativity, and responsibility for one's actions. It is one's truth that someone can never substitute for anything else or any compromised understanding.
Sex is a state of connection, an internal drive requiring release, and a vehicle to express love. It is pure in its simple form but complicated by our fears, envy, or need for dominance or control. We use it to feel secure, desired, wanted, and to win over someone else. Authenticity in sex is a place of honesty, integrity, the desire for creativity, and responsibility for one's actions.
In an analytic world, we believe that "things are multi-determined." Essentially, the definition is embedded in its phrase. There are many reasons, sometimes contradictory, to explain why we do what we do, feel the way we feel, think how we think and react, and respond with our words in relationships of all kinds.
Romantic relationships and sex are important issues for most; topics about sex are generally eye-catching and seductive. What is unique to our species is how humans use sex to communicate nonsexual and nonsexual issues to communicate about sex. "Honey, I have a (regular) headache" is often emblematic of other problems in a relationship. Watching a lot of porn instead of sex with one's partner is generally a red flag for other issues lurking.
Multi-determinism is also to be defined by the individual. I recall a dream someone told me many moons ago, which I sometimes use to illustrate the analogous point that one person's banana is another person's apple:
Sam, a young adult, is struggling with having and maintaining an erection during partnered sex. He dreams that his parents, who are young adults in his dream, are lying in bed and that lying between his parents is an elongated blue and red vein-like object whose consistency was firm jello.
"Holy, Freud," some would say and would directly and certainly connect the "object" with that of the man's penis vying for the Oedipal position with his mother; some analysts would unequivocally assume this interpretation. It was Sam's penis in between his mother and father. Upon closer examination and analysis of the dream, Sam, whom I had felt quite developmentally young despite his chronological age, revealed through his process that the substance between his parents was him as a developing fetus, shared by them both. This dream represented a much earlier wish on the part of Sam; he was yet too immature to take on the role of an adult in his life. His issues reflected his need to be cared for, grown, developed, and shaped so he could be born and start to live.
Sex, sexual needs, and sexual acts reflect and reveal different fantasies and needs unique to each individual. Sometimes, we use sex as merely the vehicle for other desires wholly unrelated to sex. While sex meets our body's needs, when deeper conditions like closeness, love, and dependency evoke vulnerability, shame, or insecurity, we can use sex as a temporary salve. In these cases, relational needs and associated fears are denied or avoided; sex makes closeness more accessible, perhaps, but often, fulfillment is transient. Sometimes, the lack of a sexual response is a physical manifestation of how we feel in life or about a sexual partner; our body speaks the truth where our mind cannot.
Seeking casual sex versus relational sex is only problematic when and if there is a diminishment of pleasure, excitement, and interest in casual sex; often, the person begins to feel bored, arousal decreases, and isolation increases. When this occurs, there is a greater impetus for reflection. The space of authenticity in sexual expression is made possible. What is it that you want?
Authenticity in sex requires answering what purpose sex serves. The motivation behind our behavior often contains complex concepts for many to understand and know. Yet, authenticity in sex depends on one's knowing what drives the bus. Is sex 'just' a human drive for pleasure? What if someone is sexually avoidant? A person's fear or repulsion about sex may secretly be guilt or shame about powerful sexual needs and desires, which they convert to fear or repulsion to avoid deeper awareness. Another person who grew up in a volatile and abusive household may overtly seek sexual pleasure through being debased and physically harmed. Passive people may be dominant in bed and vice versa. Someone else may feel inadequate and use sex to feel better or potent; competitive sex and the numbers game remain the talk in bars. Some merely use people for sex. If only we could know what we need and what works for us before we engage in sexual encounters and relationships, perhaps more people would be willing to communicate more transparently with sexual and relational partners.
Authenticity in sex is possible. When we can allow ourselves the range to know, accept, and express our actual needs and feelings, we can seek what we need in sex, a relational partner, and life. But the road to truthful sexual expression, like authenticity in general, can take a long time.
Sexual repression among women has lessened in recent years. Men's openness about erectile issues has increased, and overall, sexual communication is becoming more comfortable. But authentic communication about likes and dislikes, fantasies, and sexual partnering remains complicated.
Current statistics reflect that anorgasmia (the state of being unable to orgasm) among women in many countries is between 16-18 percent (Wise, 2021). Erectile dysfunction affects about 30 million men in the U.S., approximately one in ten. Barring an underlying medical condition like hormonal deficiencies, urological or vaginal issues, most difficulty reaching orgasm is psychological. Undoubtedly, sexual functioning and pleasure associated with sex can be marred by a history of sexual abuse, assault, and harassment; depression also takes a dramatic toll on one's functioning and significantly on the desire for sex and the ability to achieve orgasm.
But let's get back to our average person who has no significant underlying medical, traumatic, or psychological issues but who cannot find a way to communicate authentically about their sexual needs and longings, or who use sex as the vehicle to communicate other issues in their relational lives.
On the road to evaluating authenticity in sex: a simple exercise
How often have you thought about what you wanted in sex or from your partner? How often have you revealed this, even if the motivation focused more on you than your partner? How often have you had the kind of sex that set your world on fire? When was this, and what were the ingredients that enabled this? How open did you feel with your partner? How did that person respond with your open communication?
If you could reflect on and reveal any of the answers to the questions above, chances are you were having an authentic experience. Imagine yourself feeling that way in all your communications throughout your life, where you could finesse truth with thoughtful words.
References
Wise. N. Why good sex matters. psychology today.com. July 30, 2021.
Erectile Dysfunction. clevelandclinic.com. August 28, 2023
Scheel. J. Manuscript. Knowing what drives your bus: Toward living Authentically. (2023)
