How Erotic Fantasy Can Reignite Your Sex Life

A recent survey by the National Coalition for Sexual Health and the Kinsey Institute examined how Americans’ sex lives have been changed by the COVID-19 pandemic. For some partnered Americans, the pandemic and resulting quarantine strengthened their relationships by increasing their commitment, and emotional and sexual satisfaction. However, the majority of partnered Americans are having less sex, experiencing low sexual interest, and having trouble orgasming.

Americans are, by and large, less sexually and emotionally satisfied as a second COVID Valentine's Day approaches. These decreases in sexual experiences may be the result of the responsibilities of a full house with little time to intimately connect with our partners or increased stress and anxiety due to job loss and homeschooling. They may also be the result of a preoccupation with the fear of either our loved ones contracting COVID or getting it ourselves.

The Power of Fantasy

A year ago, folks were preparing for their first COVID Valentine’s Day. A simple Google search of “COVID Valentine’s Day” produces countless articles from 2021 with tips for enjoying and celebrating the holiday with your partner. The widespread panic about how to make the day special in the context of decreased sexual interest, emotional disconnect, COVID stress and anxiety, and limited options for spending the day outside of the house safely was pervasive.

As the second COVID Valentine’s Day approaches, what can be done to spark sexual and emotional connection? Can actions taken on Valentine’s day spark long-lasting changes in how partners are interacting and ultimately their sexual and emotional satisfaction? Can folks overcome what Adam Grant so eloquently described in his New York Times piece as languishing and upcharge our Sex Esteem?

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Sexual fantasizing is remarkably prevalent, but not always used for a partnered erotic connection. Common fantasies center around sensuality, dirty talk, changing power dynamics, and risk-taking. However, according to a Kinsey Institute study led by researcher and fellow Psychology Today contributor, Justin Lehmiller, the pandemic has changed why and how often people are fantasizing considerably. Participants in the study reported that they were fantasizing more because they were bored, needed to escape reality, relax, or mentally fulfill their unmet sexual and emotional needs. These findings tell us that when people are struggling with their mental health and their attachment needs are not being met, they turn to their private fantasy world for comfort at times rather than reaching out for their partner.

Sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner—which is one of my Sex Esteem principles of accessing curiosity—is an important technique for fostering intimacy and sparking sexual and emotional connection. In fact, it has been shown that couples who share their fantasies and actively fantasize about each other are more easily aroused by their partner and more likely to engage in positive behavior towards them. What kinds of positive behavior did the researchers hear about?

• Intentionally increasing pleasure for their partner in sexual encounters
• Demonstrating affection more freely
• Completing acts of kindness that make their life easier day to day

Although these positive behaviors are major incentives for sharing fantasies, many couples struggle to share those intimate thoughts. The practice is frequently avoided by many partners I’ve treated in my practice, for fear of feeling awkward, embarrassed, or judged by their partner.

One way that you and your partner can make sharing your fantasies easier is by being playful with one another. While at times this is easier said than done, there is a myriad of ways to intentionally encourage playfulness in your relationship.

Laugh Together

No doubt laughter is good for the soul. It is also good for your relationship. A University of North Carolina study found that the frequency in which a couple laughed together was closely related to their perceptions of relationship quality, closeness, and social support.

If you feel like you and your partner haven’t laughed together since the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, or perhaps before, there are things you can do to create laughter in your relationship. You can watch a comedy together or send each other TikToks that make you laugh. You can take time to think about inside jokes you haven’t shared in a while or experiences you’ve shared that are now hilarious stories. Remember that despite any sexual or emotional distance you might currently feel, you know your partner well and know what makes them laugh.

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Flirt

Perhaps you haven’t felt “flirty” in years, and most definitely do not feel like flirting with the person you’ve been stuck inside with for the past year and a half. However, flirting can be extremely beneficial to a relationship.

The study “Flirting With Meaning” talks about the different reasons people engage in flirtatious behavior. Flirting can be used as a way to initiate sex, but also as a relational maintenance tool, a way to bring fun to an interaction, and a way of increasing your own or your partner's self-esteem.

There are a number of ways you can do these things through flirtatious behavior that do not feel like a big deal. The first way is to prioritize eye contact. This study found that prolonged eye contact can quickly build intimacy and change how much a person is attracted to another. Another easy way to flirt is by telling your partner something you appreciate about them while touching. This doesn’t have to be a big gesture and is a way to break the cycle of irritation and frustration with one another.

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Finally, keep your date night and change it up—especially on Valentine’s Day. Be sure to spend time together without technology or other distractions, and try to do so in a new place. If you aren’t comfortable dining outside the home due to the recent rise in COVID cases, you can eat in a different place in your home, or with a different tablecloth and different candles.

Play a Game

Nothing says playful like a game. You can play games that don’t require any additional props or materials like "never have I ever"—maybe you will learn something new about your partner by naming things you haven’t done and seeing if they have. Rather than taking a sip of your drink when you hear a certain word in a show, kiss your partner. Write a word with your finger on your partner’s back while they guess what it is. You can also put a sexy spin on common board games you have around the house: Add stripping to your poker game, or a dare each time you pass go in Monopoly. If you’re willing to spend some money on a game, you can search for erotic board games online and purchase one for this Valentine’s Day. A variety of games exist that facilitate role play, new sensations, communication of desires, and sexual exploration.

Once you’ve established a new playful environment with your partner, the possibilities are endless. Perhaps the connection you’re seeking this Valentine’s Day will come from the play itself. Or perhaps the games and playfulness will make space for you to reach for your partner and share your erotic fantasies. Either way, you have the opportunity to try something new with your partner and spark the kind of intimacy you’ve been missing. I encourage you to intentionally be playful, try new things, share your fantasies, and ultimately reconnect with your partner this second COVID Valentine’s Day.