"I Left My Wife. Now My Adult Children Hate Me"

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When Dave left his wife, he knew that she’d be terribly hurt but he never, in a million years, anticipated that his leaving would cause a catastrophe in his relationship with his 26-year-old daughter, Marianne. He’d always been close with Marianne and although he knew she’d be protective of her mom, he assumed he’d be able to talk to her and explain what had been going on and his motivation for leaving. He knew she’d understand.

He totally expected that their relationship would just continue pretty much as it had been. After all, she’s an adult. He even thought that she’d be happy for him that he’d found the true love of his life, Christy, in spite of the fact that he’d been involved with her when he was married to his wife.

But that was not the case. Dave was naive.

Marianne was devastated. She watched her mother suffer profoundly, curled up in bed in a dark room, crying and losing weight. She couldn’t believe that her father, who had taught her right from wrong (e.g. don’t lie), could have been living a secret life with Christy these past eight months, telling her he was away on business when he was really spending a romantic week at an exclusive country inn. Her mind could not compute that the father who was a known quantity to her—someone she could rely on when the world was confusing—was capable of that.

Although Marianne could see that her mom had been betrayed, she also felt personally betrayed and immediately allied with her mom, who desperately needed her support. There was no way that Marianne could connect with her dad without feeling disloyal to her mom. She felt trapped and although part of her really did want to reach out to him, she didn’t know how she could do that.

Meanwhile, Dave felt desperate, afraid that he was losing an identity that meant so much to him: being a father. He tried very hard to connect with Marianne but she blocked him. He would send texts and she wouldn’t answer. He’d send birthday gifts and she’d return them. He even suggested that they go to family therapy but she declined.

He didn’t know where to turn next. He assumed that her mother had turned her against him and although Marianne knew all the intimate details of the breakdown of the marriage, it was not only her mom who poisoned the well; Marianne had come to her own conclusion.

There are so many intricacies in this familial Gordian Knot that make it feel impossible to untie. But like any problem that seems intractable, it may be possible, using patience and sincerity, to loosen the bind little by little over time. And it does take time.

I’m conducting a study so I can learn how to help these fractured relationships move toward resolution. It’s not only relationships like Dave and Marianne’s which have become estranged, but also those in which a formerly comfortable parent/adult child connection becomes strained and awkward. If you’re a dad or adult child and this is an issue in your life, I very much want to hear your experience. I’ve prepared surveys for adult children, dads, and moms that will help me understand more profoundly what happens to that connection. (Note: my study is only about children who were adults at the time that the father left.) To participate or learn more, click here.

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