Losing Friends Is Hard. That Doesn’t Make It Wrong

We are living in a loneliness epidemic, confirmed by the Office of the Surgeon General and the World Health Organization. Nearly 1 in 10 Americans say they have "no close friends," with “1 in 4 older people experiencing social isolation and between 5 and 15 percent of adolescents experiencing loneliness” globally.

In recent years, I've noticed an increase in my own students’ questions centered around the painful, often shame-laden topic of outgrowing friends, losing friends, or experiencing friend breakups. It would seem that there is something deep inside of us that makes parting with friends a painful experience — so much, in fact, that it can feel wrong. This might be because evolutionary psychology suggests we have evolved as a social species, relying on one another for survival.

According to evolutionary theory, reproductive success is crucial to the survival of our species. In hunter-gatherer days, if a woman lost her life, the only way to ensure her child’s survival was to rely on other members of the tribe to raise her offspring. She had no choice but to make strong connections, ensuring not only her survival but also the survival of her lineage. Further, just belonging to the tribe for anyone meant protection against predators and what might mean certain death. Keeping friendship meant, in essence, survival either for ourselves or our bloodline.

In modern times, although our lifestyles have changed from hunter-gatherer days, our brains remain wired for connection, and we crave it deeply. As best said by researchers Baumeister and Leary, we "need to belong”. We see this in how children socialize and how social isolation is associated with depression. Further, according to various theories, our self-concepts are not built in isolation but rather mediated by societal feedback: The "looking glass self" theory by American sociologist Cooley notes that our identities are shaped this way. Our own self-esteem is influenced by how others see us. If there's no one to see us, perhaps we find it harder to see ourselves.

Despite the yearning for connection and the biological underpinnings for it, what happens when friends no longer seem like the close confidants they once were and why do we think we may be better off without them?

Simply put — because as we grow, our wants and needs change with us, especially when it comes to friends. According to a 1950’s study which examined friendship among students living in MIT’s student housing, living close to another student increased the chances for friendship. Simply being "proximate" is what allowed friendship to flourish. In fact, more than 10 times as many friendships had developed with people who lived in the same building, and even more with people who lived next door. As such, many friendship may have started based on something as simple as proximity — sitting next to someone in kindergarten, a college class, or even a birthday party.

Over time, however, proximity alone may not be enough to sustain a friendship. In fact, research (which I’ve written about here) shows that we expect certain things from friends: honesty, being ethical, pleasant, and available. Further, as people grow, we seek more substantial elements (which I've written about here), namely: true friendship (support, humor, socializing) and opportunity (help with career prospects).

This change in our needs surrounding friends might be why, according to a recent study from Aalto University in Finland and the University of Oxford, our social circles shrink and natural friendship rifts can emerge in our mid-to-late 20s. This life stage typically brings about substantial changes which may make our needs and values incompatible with friends: Some marry, have children, move away, and focus on stabilizing their careers or family life, while others prioritize enjoying and valuing social activities. When values change, friendships with mismatched values can feel unfulfilling and might even lead to resentment. Without mutual understanding, an equal shift in values, and ultimately respect, these friendships are doomed to fail.

So, while a friendship ending is a normal and common phenomenon, why does it feel so, well, wrong?

Simply put, because we’re wired to keep connections. The reward circuit in our brain thrives on attachment to others, so while we can understand that a low-quality friendship is no longer fulfilling, we are subconsciously wired to sustain the friendship. Losing a friend is painful because it’s meant to be — our brains suffer in social isolation, even when we’re the ones doing the "breaking up." In other words, while we may be better off, our brains may struggle to reconcile the loss. And oftentimes, breaking apart from friends means a mix of emotions, including sadness and happiness, or relief.

While losing friends can feel wrong, it is a natural part of life. As we grow and evolve, so do our relationships. Understanding why can help us navigate the painful but sometimes necessary process of letting go.