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Key points
- Every marriage or real relationship involves compromise.
- It is important for partners to have empathy for one another.
- Good communication is key to healthy relationships.
- Resolving differences contributes to a successful marriage.
Dr. Morley was an academic physician in his mid-fifties. But about ten years ago, he’d gone through a messy divorce that left him with alimony and child support. “I’ve got two kids still in high school,” he said, “and my ex-wife is a nurse.” He was feeling the pinch.
But money problems were only part of the picture. About three years ago, he had remarried, and now, the marriage was front and center. His second wife, Irena, was an immigrant from Slovenia, a former pediatrician whom he’d met at a conference. She had moved to the U.S. to marry him and had never pursued the long process of becoming licensed. Instead, she was writing children’s books, which she also illustrated. “She hasn’t sold any yet,” he told me, “but she is hopeful.” Okay, so? As we spoke, it turned out that the books were a way of marking time until she and Dr. Morley had children. She was nearing 40. She wanted a couple of kids. He didn’t want any.
When they met, Irena had just ended her own first marriage, which was childless. Dr. Morley told me that when he met Irena, she loved hearing about his kids. “I thought maybe she’d be like this perfect stepmother.” He thought his own kids would delight her vicariously. It never occurred to him that, having missed out on having children, she’d expect someone who already had two to start having more. “We never discussed it. I thought she was looking to be a mother but not actually to start from scratch.” In fact, Irena never did suggest having children. Dr. Morley now suspects that she thought she’d bring him around once they were married.
It was a recipe for collision. Irena did become fond of Dr. Morley’s children, but mostly they were with their mother. When they saw her, they were polite but distant. Now the subject of having their own children had become a constant topic.
At 55, Dr. Morley felt justified in not wanting more kids, even apart from the added financial burden. “Her biological clock is ticking, and mine has already stopped,” he remarked. “I just can’t face more kids.” He and Irena had not actually fought over the question, but at one point she’d cried and said that he didn’t understand women’s maternal instinct. For a while, he’d lost interest in sex, he told me. “But it came back. I’m just wondering if she’ll ‘forget’ to take her pills.” I could see that an element of mistrust had infected the marriage—not a good omen.
We spoke about how happiness in marriage requires the adjustment of expectations. People develop. They change. Maybe Irena really thought that his kids would satisfy her desire to be a mother; maybe, when he married Irena, he thought that being a mother would not become the major issue that it had.
In entering a marriage, it’s important to understand each other’s expectations but also to acknowledge that they’ll evolve over time. Dr. Morley told me that “I thought that since this was a second marriage for both of us, we knew what we wanted from marriage. Most of all, I wanted to stop being lonely, and I assumed that was what she wanted.”
But perhaps his desire for a companion had made it harder to see past his desire. Perhaps if he had, he would at least have asked Irena about having children. But perhaps, just as likely, he had been afraid to ask. Perhaps she would have demurred—“Let’s see”—and perhaps it would have seemed like enough. When two people want to get married, they don’t always cover all the bases in advance.
This might have been a classic case of happiness in the moment. After all, a bright woman like Irena should, at least, have wondered whether a man approaching middle age with an established family would want more children. Did she wonder? We don’t even know how much having children mattered to her—in the moment—as she listened to stories about two lively kids. The fact is, two people got married, and now they have radically different ideas as to how to be happy.
What should they do?
As I talked with Dr. Morley, we discussed how he might sit down with Irena and explain his situation, including finances: He’ll be paying alimony more or less forever and child support at least through four years of college. He could talk about being 55, not 35, and how he’ll be slowing down just when kids need him to run around, coach a team, take them hiking.
But mostly, he could tell Irena that he married her because he loved her, and that their relationship mattered more to him than anything in the world—okay, his kids mattered, but that was different. He wanted to be a good husband, and to share his life with her. She never had to question his love. He just couldn’t find the mental and physical wherewithal to start another family, and he hoped she could accept that. Finally, he could say that they married each other for each other, not for anyone else (including people not yet born). He wanted to focus on her, and he hoped the reverse was true.
In other words, as the song title says, “You don’t always get what you want.” In exchange for love, we have to make compromises. In making compromises, we take care of each other. Irena has lately been focused on her own needs but, by invoking the contours and demands of love, Dr. Morley may be able to shift her focus to the dyad that constitutes their marriage.
When we pursue happiness, we seek a balance. In love, there is an equation where You and Me are factors that somehow need to balance out. It is never all You or all Me. Both factors matter and should be more or less equivalent over the long haul. Sometimes one will outweigh the other but—certainly when speaking of starting a family—it’s the long haul that counts. Both parties need to look down the road. If starting a family now doesn’t make sense later, then the party in favor should likely give way.
I still see Dr. Morley, and he hasn’t mentioned anything more about children. He told me that Irena might start studying for the licensing exam. Maybe they have met halfway.
