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Key points
- Romantic attraction is influenced by what we assume as well as what we actually see.
- What we assume about a potential romantic partner often arises due to cognitive biases.
- Three biases in particular need to be kept in check if you wish to be successful in romance.
Three common but often overlooked cognitive biases easily create major blind spots in the early stages of a romance. If you understand how these blind spots arise, you can more effectively weed out those men or women who would be a poor romantic match. That's a big win.
Think of this knowledge as an emotional "survival skill."
After all, you want to put your energy into relationships that are most likely to be rewarding and fulfilling but avoid those that leave you disappointed, betrayed, and sometimes bitter.
We Both Like Peanut Butter So We Must Be Soul Mates: Self-Essentialist Reasoning Bias
The first bias to consider is “self-essentialist reasoning.” This term refers to a common bias that begins with the idea that people tend to assume that everyone has a core or essential essence. This core essence, in turn, is unchanging and responsible for driving a person’s behavior.
There is a tendency to be attracted to and think the best of those with whom we believe we share our core essence.
Examples of "core essences" include being empathetic, courageous, adventurous, or creative. None of this is to imply that research shows that people can be defined by a core essence, only that we have a bias that assumes this to be true.
How does someone come to conclude what another person's core essence is? Here is where the unconscious bias comes into the picture because our tendency is to first categorize others based on attributes we share in common, and then assume that these shared attributes also reflect a shared core essence.
An example of this bias is believing that because someone shops at an organic grocery store, and you too shop at that store, then this other person also shares your political views, drives an electric car, and wants to save the environment.
That is, because they share some superficial similarities, they also share deeper, more essential similarities that reflect your own essence.
One way self-essentialist reasoning influences romantic attraction is through the illusion of compatibility. When we meet someone who we believe shares our own essence, we tend to believe they possess many other important core similarities, which in turn makes them more attractive.
Although you could be correct, it is best to assume that the jury is out until more evidence is presented. The risk of falsely believing that you share deeply important qualities with someone to whom you are attracted is that you will then begin to develop a relationship with someone who, in fact, lacks the foundation you are counting upon.
This is a recipe for later disappointment and heartache.
You Are Great at Pickle Ball; You Must Be Smart, Creative, and Successful as Well: The Halo Effect Bias
The halo effect refers to a psychological bias wherein our positive view of one aspect of an individual tends to unconsciously push us to view that person more positively in other areas as well.
This is similar to the "self-essentialist" bias, but the difference is that it does not focus on an assumption of sharing core personal qualities. That is, we do not begin with a belief that we and another person share the same core essence. Instead, it is enough that the other person displays some virtue or quality we highly admire. This, in turn, leads us to assume they also have several other desirable qualities.
For example, the extremely successful person you meet may then be assumed to be organized and focused as well. The self-confident person may also be assumed to be a good decision-maker and of superior intelligence. These are examples of the halo effect.
This bias can also enhance romantic attraction as it leads us to credit potential romantic partners with virtues they lack and downplay their flaws. The result is an idealized version of the person we desire, but not an accurate understanding of who they truly are in life.
When our idealized view of someone conflicts with reality, a mental battle occurs, and reality always wins.
You're Beautiful; I'm Sure You're Also Funny, Insightful, and Wealthy: What Is Beautiful Is Good Bias
Physical attraction often provides the initial spark that draws individuals together. When physical attraction is strong, people tend to assume that the person is not only attractive but also possesses a number of other desirable qualities.
This bias is known as the "what is beautiful is good" stereotype. Put another way, attractive individuals cause us to automatically assume they have any number of other desirable (yet unproven) qualities.
Someone who is perceived as physically attractive, for example, may also be seen as kind, intelligent, or trustworthy, even in the absence of any supporting evidence. The handsome and beautiful people of the world benefit, in first encounters, by having many other desirable qualities attributed to their "win column."
It would be unfair to begrudge them this benefit. After all, they are not intentionally attempting deceit but are simply enjoying unearned points awarded by how the human brain works. But it would be unwise to not appreciate how this dynamic may be at work the next time you find yourself in the throes of strong attraction.
Beware of assuming too much. No matter how beautiful or handsome the target of your affection, they are no more likely to have those other qualities you seek than the less attractive individual standing next to them.
Combating Bias
The first step in minimizing the impact these biases have on a developing romance is to simply be aware of their presence. Seldom do you find an absence of their influence in the early stages of a romance. Being aware of their presence allows you to take steps to minimize their impact.
You can do this by considering what draws you to that person. Take some time to really pinpoint the specific qualities that you find attractive. Then, reflect on what leads you to believe that your love interest truly has those qualities. What's the evidence?
If you end up feeling stumped when looking for supporting evidence of these attractive qualities, this should raise red flags of caution. Take a step back emotionally and consider whether you are under the influence of one of the three biases we've discussed.
Perhaps they do have these qualities but the relationship is too new for them to have fully emerged. Or perhaps you are only desiring that they exist. Either way, you will want to follow up with candid conversations about these specific concerns.
It's essential to cultivate open and honest communication. By candidly discussing one another’s needs, desires, and concerns, a deeper understanding of each other will develop, and clearer choices can be made regarding your desire to move forward or end the relationship.
