You Can Be Too Controlling For Your Own Good and Drive Lovers Away

Carl wanted to know where his fiancé, Jeanne was at all times. She had done nothing to betray his trust but he required her to be accessible. He would text or call frequently during the day and if she didn't respond immediately, he became demanding. He wanted her to explain every expense she incurred. He had a opinion about what she should wear, dress, and how much make-up she should wear. She had her own issues and was petrified to be alone. She had a demanding father and was geared to please Carl.

Any time you are in a relationship, the person who cares the least about the other is the one who is in control of the relationship. This is the person who is more likely to be the dumper and not the unfortunate dumpee. Being in control may allow you to stay protected but it more often leads to boredom because you may not be that emotionally invested. You can evolve to the emotional state of feeling blah. This is where it doesn't matter if your partner stays or leaves. These kinds of relationships lack the intensity people in genuine relationships may experience. If you remain in control, you may frequently feel unfulfilled and empty, but you also may avoid the emotional roller-coaster of an authentic love relationship love.

Some people need to consider relinquishing control because over-controlling blocks intimacy. While guarding against being hurt and searching for some kind of guarantee that the relationship will work, some remain cool and inflexible. To control yourself less, you need to let yourself feel vulnerable to another. This certainly can create anxiety and even fear. When you enter into a relationship that can be meaningful, it's perfectly normal to feel this fear. I have known people who have broken into a sweat seeing who was going to be their wife on their second meeting. Jerry recalled how he had to pretend he had just come from a streneous work-out to cover-up and explain his flop sweat. Another had heart palpitations and when he went to his family doc for an EKG, realized that what he was experiencing stress because he had fallen in love..

The precise control you used to protect yourself may have prevented you from giving what was necessary to maintain or foster a relationship. Paradoxically, using controlling maneuvers to try to keep from hurting yourself may get in your way and create more pain, because you cannot give or receive the affection you want. Controlled people often only really feel they want their lover only when that person no longer desires them. In other words, they desire another only when they have relinquished control! If this occurs, they can strive to regain the control they have lost and may be again filled with passion. Their competitive nature can emerge and they can feel motivated to try to recapture their partner. Once this is accomplished, they can lose interest and repeat the same cycle.

Larry knew he was quickly falling "in love" with Jenny. He wanted to play it cool and did not want her to know what was occurring. Consequently, he acted more distant and indifferent than he felt. Though he missed her when he did not see her or talk with her, he made it a point to communicate with her infrequently during the week. He was afraid of being perceived as being too hung up on her. His attempt to remain in control only led her to believe he did not really care much. She continued going out with other men. Only when she was involved with another did he share with her how special she was to him. It was too late.

It is hard for many to admit that they are frightened getting into relationships because this is not consistent with their self-image. Many like to see themselves as being healthy, sociable, popular, and strong. Few can admit that they are terrified of becoming intimate. The way many solve this dilemma is to date someone with whom they really cannot have a close relationship. Someone unattainable. This may be someone who is married, is going to move away, is involved with another, someone to whom you are not particularly attracted, or who is just generally unobtainable. They can provide a safe outlet for positive feelings. As soon as this person becomes available or attractive to them, they may no longer be as safe and the relationship may end.

After going through a painful divorce, Linda started relationships with only married men, but eventually became involved with one who divorced his wife so he could live with her. The relationship progressed until the night he got divorced, and he came to visit her to "celebrate." She found herself not wanting even to let him into the house. She was alarmed to find that she was frightened about the prospect of his availability. She had felt deeply for him while he had been married, but she had never dreamed that he would actually leave his wife for her. When faced with this, she felt both guilty and anxious. Therapy was aimed at getting her to realize that her fear was normal and acceptable. Instead of being intolerant of its occurrence, she became aware of why it was happening and was able to deal with her reactions to this fear in a more positive way. She discovered that she had the propensity to withdraw, but she forced herself to deal with her anxieties. She came to believe that God had a plan for her and her worries were just wasted energy.

Many have to realize that they really don't have control over many of their life events. The serenity prayer is one of the most popular prayers which is recited as people grapple with what they have control over and what they don't. They aren't sovereign amd trying to predict the future or control it usually can lead to anxiety and regret.