Can New Love Heal a Past Heartbreak?

Many people who have experienced the sorrow of an unwanted relationship breakup know how hard it is to start over. Understandable fears of another possible failure can haunt a person suffering from the grief of that loss. Those who come to me for help after a relationship failure repeatedly ask me the same questions:

“How do I make sure I choose more wisely next time?”

“How can I ever open up again without feeling I’ll just be abandoned again?”

“I thought this relationship would last. How can I ever know what is real?”

“If I allow myself to love again, will the past stop hurting so much?”

“Can true love erase my feelings of failing?”

“Am I doomed to failing if I allow myself to love again?”

These are all honest and important questions and those asking them of me are desperately looking for reassurance. They want to believe that a new love can erase their past heartbreak.

Sadly, I tell them that no new relationship, no matter how wonderful, can, or should fix something it didn’t break. Expecting that a new partner can rescue and heal the past they were not part of puts an untenable burden on them. The healing of a past failure is the sole responsibility of the person who endured it, and preferably before they seek a new relationship.

What, then, should a person in the throes of relationship failure do before seeking love again, and how can a new partner help them stay on that path without feeling the need to compensate?

There are several crucial steps that you can take to help you resolve your feelings about your past sadness and what you can appropriately ask of a new love.

Resolving Relationship Grief

1. Do an Overview of Your Relationship History

It is important for you to identify patterns that may have contributed to other relationship failures. Those patterns could have begun in childhood as you watched others face similar losses and they affected your own life. Ask yourself if you have repeated those patterns by choosing similar partners.

It is natural to seek what feels familiar to you, but it's not necessarily what's good for you to repeat. If you could magically put all the partners you’ve had in the same room and they would all talk about what they loved about you and what they regret, what would be the overlapping comments?

That awareness will help you to emphasize the positive qualities you bring to a relationship and to leave those that don’t work behind.

2. Face Reality Earlier

It is all too common to let things that are not working in a relationship go by while concentrating on the positives that are still in play. New relationships can be blinding, and both partners tend to look at what works. Lurking in the darkness may be potential deal breakers that happen over time, making what was once tolerable now impossible to deal with.

There is a lot more wiggle room to confront and challenge any potential problems when the relationship is new and resilient. Sadly, many partners newly in love avoid those confrontations when they have the best chance to resolve them early on in the relationship.

3. Maintain an Outside Support Group

Too often, partners newly in love let go of family and friends and put all of their time and energy into that relationship. When a relationship fails, you may have to revive those connections to ask for their comfort, stability, and guidance. People who have maintained those outside relationships do not have to grieve alone.

Please remember that, if you’ve used those connections to complain about the relationship’s disappointments, these confidants are more likely to tell you that you should be glad you are out of the relationship when you really need to grieve and sort out your thoughts and feelings.

4. Get Professional Help

Relationships Essential Reads

Too Much Therapy-Speak Can Ruin Your Relationship

The Seductive Realm of the Possible

Facing your current and past losses is often easier with someone who is skilled to help you look at your relationships with more objectivity and clarity. A quality professional can also help you put a new plan into effect and decide who you choose, what you have to offer, and what you need from a new partner.

How to Involve a New Partner to Help You Stay on Your New Path

1. Present Your Situation Without Blame or Guilt

Many people make the mistake of talking to a new partner about how wounded they’ve been and how unfair their past partner was to them. That is a clear signal that the person you’re newly with is hearing that they will have to make up for the pain someone else caused you. Many will disconnect at that point or want to rescue you.

Share, instead, as a person who is on a path to becoming the best relationship partner you can be, examining your past, learning from your mistakes, and wanting to go forward in a new way.

Most people admire the way a person learns and transforms from grief and are more wary of those who are cynical or pessimistic.

2. Be Honest About Your Goals

Tell your new partner what behaviors you are committed to change and ask for feedback if they see old patterns emerging that you have told them you want to change. Engage them as a catalyst to observe, witness, and share with you how they perceive your growth.

Ask them to provide current and honest feedback even if it is hard to hear. They will honor and respect your commitment to resiliency, and admire your desire to hear what they have to share.

3. Be Available to Help Your Partner Grow

Let your partner know that you realize that they need a place to grow and change as well, and that you are there to listen and support them. Ask what they need from you to help them stay committed to their own goals for growth and be honest about what you can or cannot offer. Make certain that you know of their past sorrows and will stay aware of any of your own behaviors that may threaten them as others have in the past.

Do not let the past define who you are becoming but act as a reminder of who you don’t want to be anymore.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.