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Psychopharmacology
Schizophrenia and False Expectations
I thought I was divinely called to drop out of college.
Posted February 18, 2020 Reviewed by Chloe Williams
A delusion is a fixed, false belief which is not grounded in reality and can be a symptom of a chemical imbalance in the brain. Personally, my delusions often took the form of false expectations. After taking a three-month trip to Africa in 2002, my delusions soon became the center of my life. I did not know that emerging schizophrenia was distorting my reality.
I spent months planning my 2002 summer visit to Nairobi, Kenya, where I would volunteer in a medical clinic. While there, I stayed in a little cheaply made house within a slum area. It was impossible to walk the slum without a group of Kenyan nationals surrounding me. Curious children and adults alike cried “Mzungu!” again and again, the word for white man/woman. But the woman hosting me, “Naomi,” was a lovely Kenyan woman and compassionate entrepreneur who made me feel welcome. My transition to living in a new culture was enjoyable but stressful.
Perhaps it was this stress that led to my first hallucination.
One night a couple of months into my trip to Africa, I was sleeping in a bedroom in Naomi’s house. Suddenly, at the foot of my bed, I saw a man with bright, sky-blue eyes. Somehow, his blue eyes were burning, on fire with passion. He commanded me to establish an international nonprofit organization on my return from Kenya back to America, in order to change the world.
When I returned from Africa, I should have followed the footsteps of my Nairobi host Naomi, completing my college degree and preparing to move forward. With my degree completed, I could have chosen to do research again or to work with the poor in Africa, or both. But on my return, my mind was failing me. Suddenly my best efforts produced failing grades, as I thought all the time about the blue-eyed, passionate man I had seen that night in Nairobi. I could focus on almost nothing else.
While failing my classes, I met a man, “Nelson,” a computer programmer with a Ph.D. Nelson was passionate about nonprofits and had already founded one on his own. He heard about me and my goal to establish a foundation through a friend of a friend and wanted to help. He showed me how to obtain an Employer Identification Number for my new charity and how to fill out the forms for incorporation and the application for tax exemption.
Delusional and confused, I took Nelson’s presence in my life as a sign that my charity was supposed to exist, so I moved forward with it.
Against all odds, I did raise funds. Thousands of dollars were sent to Africa, and hundreds of dollars were sent to individuals living in poverty in Southeast Asia. When students and their families donated money, I took it as another confirmation that I was doing the right thing.
As weeks went by, I became increasingly paranoid of friends and family. With no means of personal support, I quickly became homeless. I was afraid that the people I loved would stop my foundation from making a worldwide impact.
It is difficult to know exactly when I crossed the line between health and sickness. It is my belief that it would have been difficult for friends and family, or even a psychiatrist, to tell. I secretly believed my foundation would raise millions or even billions of dollars. I thought I would someday win a Nobel Peace Prize, but I never shared these false expectations with anyone.
Today, because of effective medication, I have recovered from schizophrenia. I live a stable, healthy life, based in reality. I am president of a nonprofit again and have spent years serving the mentally ill. I co-founded my schizophrenia awareness and education foundation jointly with Dr. Henry Nasrallah in 2016.
Sometimes I think about my life living homeless, outside, with my delusions as my only friend, versus my life now, with loving family and friends around me every day. Although the delusions were thrilling, I would never want them back. The delusions were a destructive force in my life and a hallmark symptom of severe mental illness.
I will never forget the face of the excitement I felt when the blue-eyed man commanded me to found my charity, though I know today that the man I saw wasn’t real. I also still remember how Nelson came into my life right when I was wanting to learn how to establish the foundation, and how the students and their families donated thousands.
In dropping out of college, could I have been partly right? Was it acceptable for me to take some time off after coming back from Africa and found a nonprofit before my graduation? How much of my desire to help those in poverty was a delusion, and how much of it was real? When did I cross the line? Certainly, the delusions mixed with aspects of reality set me on a path that was unhealthy and dangerous.
I will never know the answers to these questions. All I know is that I’m so grateful to have traveled as I have. I’m also grateful to be recovered from schizophrenia, and I love the work I do today, providing education and hope to persons with schizophrenia, their families and their clinicians.
The medication I take today and have taken for twelve years keeps me grounded in reality. My delusions were exciting, but I have found over the years that a life lived in reality is a much better life.
I would encourage anyone struggling with delusions and false expectations to persevere and continue faithfully taking medication. If your medication doesn’t work well, talk to your doctor about other medications and treatments. As the delusions disappear, spend time with other people and make new plans and goals for yourself, grounded in reality. I found that the happiness I experience now in my life every day is genuine.
