The Gift of Confrontation

Source: David Friel Wikimedia Commons

There’s a line I like to use with my clients when I’m about to tell them something I know they’re not going to like to hear: “I respect you too much not to say the following….” And that is followed by some hard truth that I know will make them uncomfortable but which I think it’s my job to say: They’re not entirely innocent victims in their office squabble; the new relationship they’re so excited about has a gazillion red flags; they are about to repeat a pattern with a friend that they have followed many times before with negative consequences. Saying that first is not a manipulation on my part: I genuinely mean that I respect them enough to know they’re strong enough to hear the truth and not collapse into victimhood.

People like to think of therapists as always on their side. I do see it as my job to be my client’s best advocate, but that does not necessarily translate into me telling them that everything they do, say, or think is wonderful. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s reactive, short-sighted, or downright mean. And if I’m not able to give them this necessary mirror, they’re likely to get that reflection in the form of external consequences: a job lost, a relationship ruptured, an investment turning sour.

I think that what I do as a therapist is something we can all do for the people we care most about in our lives: friends, family members, and spouses. I’m sure every person reading these words has tried at some point to do exactly that, and it hasn’t always worked out well. Why does being straight with someone sometimes backfire, and what can you do to increase the odds of it improving your relationship rather than destroying it?

The single most important ingredient in a successful confrontation is that you check your ego at the door. What you say must be cleansed as completely as possible from any sense of “I told you so," any desire to dominate or be right, or any implied criticism of the person you’re talking to. It’s fine to have critiques about their actions or intended actions. It’s not fine to degrade, humiliate, or criticize even in the subtlest ways. They will pick that up and respond to that rather than the good in the message you’re trying to convey.

The second thing to consider is your own motivations. As a therapist, I have it easier, because I really have no vested interest in 99% of my clients' outside-the-office decisions or actions. But when you’re dealing with a spouse, good friend, or family member, make sure it’s really about them and not about you before you offer your reflections. Sure, it will often be a mixed bag, but if that’s the case you can still speak up if you own your part first. Say something like, “I know I would benefit personally from what I’m about to say, but I really don’t think it’s only for that reason that I think you should….” It’s much easier for people to hear your message if you have shown you’ve thought of your piece in it first.

The final piece is to keep the relationship you want to have with the person always before you. See them through the lens of their best possible selves and what you say will come through as the act of love that it is. Our deepest relationships are those that include people who have seen our dark side, and we theirs, and we love and are loved as the complex, flawed, and evolving beings we are. Trying to always stay on the nice side of the line is safer and less threatening, but it doesn’t allow for the intimacy we are capable of sharing with those closest to us.

Finally, if you’ve done all of this and the person stays upset with you or cuts you off, consider that perhaps the relationship wasn’t what you thought it was in the first place.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.