Modern Masculinity: How to Achieve the Right Balance

Fred is a coaching client of mine. He is a very successful SVP. His issue is that he lacks intimacy and trust in his life “left, right and center…” as he puts it, and he is always obsessed with the next external enemy that he can identify. His favorite expression starts like this: “If only that guy wasn’t there…”

Source: Photos by Collis and Uncoveredlens used by permission.

Rebecca is amazingly successful, too. She just received her latest promotion. She is the youngest C-suite member of the company. Yet, she suffers from anxiety and her mood swings are so strong lately that she started to contemplate quitting her job. She feels that she is pushed to perform way beyond her limits and the company culture forces her to be a workaholic. “I feel like my career wants me to 'be a man.' Yes, I have had to become a man. To have a life, I need to be a woman. I gotta quit… get out of here, to be finally me.”

I have heard this so many times, but quitting is often not the solution to this dilemma. You may quit, but it will not solve the challenges of being able to be more you and your next job may present you with similar challenges.

I share with her an interesting 2014 research finding from Hudson which found that women at the top appear to have a male leadership profile with feminine nuances. C-level women tend to score lower on altruism and people centeredness compared to average women. The report describes a double-bind as in the eyes of the average woman, women who are leaders appear to behave more like men because they take the lead and are career and result-oriented. But in the eyes of their male colleagues, they behave like women, paying more attention to intangible, emotional elements, like communication, co-operation, and human well-being.

But what makes women wanting to lead in ways more similar to men in the business world? Rebecca looks me in the eye and asks: “What choice do I have?” As Melinda Gates recently wrote on LinkedIn “We’re sending our daughters into a workplace designed for our dads”.

We talk about choices now. The oldest symbol of how the feminine and masculine principle should embrace each other is the famous Yin-Yang from China. Carl G. Jung, a great 20th-century psychologist reminded the world that many of us have a feminine and masculine side of our personalities, the Animus and Anima, as he called it. Inner health, balance, and self-actualization require awareness and integration of both sides.

The mistake most diversity programs make is to think that just by having more female leaders, the problem will be solved. It is not just more female leaders that we are missing. It is more that we need men to lead by being aware of their female sides as well, and we need women who are not afraid to lead with their feminine side, and yet can be firm and decisive. We need leaders who have mastered the maturity continuum of tenderness and firmness. And women who do prefer to lead with their masculine side need also be affirmed. This requires very high levels of self-awareness and an acknowledgment and integration of the male and female sides of our personality. Fred, for example, is desperate to be more authentic about his feelings and craves attention, yet he says depth and emotions are for “chicks with a glass of Sauvignon Blanc and not for men who drink bourbon and like football…”. He completely denies his own feminine side which throws him off-balance.

Certain leadership practices such as effective coaching require skills and attitudes which are strongly connected to the female side. Such skills are active listening and empathy, and a genuine state of being candid and open to the other person. Our conversation with Rebecca shifts from deciding to leave or stay to how she can allow the feminine side of her personality to surface. Fred begins to see that he can remain tough and decisive while also showing authentic vulnerability. Keeping both the Animus and Anima at bay he begins to feel more comfortable showing emotions and connecting with teams and individuals without the fear of being exposed.

Meaning and genuine care for employee well-being are the two most important factors that drive Engagement. Inclusiveness and empathy are deeply connected with the feminine qualities of leadership and the Anima side of the human psyche. Caring for the mental and physical well-being of team members in an organization presupposes a stronger Anima focus in the leadership. At the same time, no individual, organization and community can exist in a sustainable way without balancing the two.

The ADP Research Institute conducted a 19-country study to compare levels of engagement around the world. It’s not surprising that engagement around the world is very low. In the U.S., only around 17% of employees reported being fully engaged, which means 85% of us are just coming to work. Yet again, when they were examining the most engaged teams, they have found that the biggest driver of engagement was whether or not teams trusted their team leader. Teams in which members have extreme trust for their team leader are 12 times more likely to be fully engaged.

Across countries, industries, and positions, a trusted team leader is the foundation for building highly engaged teams. I would argue that a good way for us to get started about building trust is to expand our consciousness beyond the usual distortions and stereotypes and beginning to embrace masculine and feminine energies, no matter the gender of the person expressing them. Real diversity starts by being able to acknowledge our own full inner team of Masculine and Feminine and developing a mature balance.