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Key points
- We are often anticipating outcomes and living in planning mode, especially about big life events.
- By breaking things down into smaller parts, we may feel less anxious.
- We can ease a wait by giving ourselves specific tasks as well as things to look forward to.
A friend of mine is struggling with a challenging wait. She’s committed to making a big life change in a couple of months, but the time between now and then feels interminable.
As we talked about how she would manage between now and then, she said, “I just want to be there now. I want to be at the end of this, not in it.” In return, without judgment but with reflection (and maybe a little levity…), I asked, “Why are you thinking about February in November?”
Not Being in the Present
I realized she was having a terrible time staying in the present, with what was directly, immediately in front of her, anticipating so greatly the change that was going to come in the near future.
If it was me thinking about February in November, it would have been hard for me to see the tricks my mind was playing. “I’m planning,” I would think. “I’m getting organized. I’m anticipating outcomes. I’m thinking ahead.”
All of these mental responses and routines are highly valued in Western culture. We strive to be these ways, not move away from them.
But, when we’re always planning, getting organized, anticipating outcomes, and thinking ahead, we are not in our present. I don’t mean that just in a spiritual way, a “Be here now” mantra. I mean that in a very grounded, practical way. When our minds are caught up in thought and our hearts are twisted in feeling, getting through the days between now and then, the present and whatever we are anticipating, can be very hard days.
Each one can feel so long, and one on top of the other, seemingly infinitely, can feel crushing.
Getting Through Waiting Periods
This same friend came up with an idea that I thought was quite brilliant, and it reminded me of a strategy I used earlier in my own life to get through a difficult period.
She had started off trying to plan everything—like when she would make a specific phone call, or when she would accomplish something related to her end goal. But, that became, in her words, “an anxiety-producing plan.” She then decided to make plans two weeks at a time.
The first two weeks were, as she said, “no planning!” This was a time to take stock. These two weeks involved meditation, journaling, and seeking out positive moments, little lily pads in the muck.
In the following two-week chunks, she would break down the things she needed to get done, spreading them out over time into time periods when they made the most sense. Different than trying to get as much done as possible as quickly as possible, trying to race against time to make time move faster, she did what therapists call “partializing,” breaking down multiple or complex aspects of a situation into more manageable units so they can be addressed more easily.
Partializing facilitates prioritizing. Yes, often everything has to get done. But, we can’t do everything all at once. So, by doing that first step—no planning, just taking stock—we can step back to see what’s most critical, what needs to be done first, and then what needs to be done next.
Sometimes when we talk about being in the present, it feels eye-rollingly aspirational. But, partializing contributes to being in the present in a practical way, to allow for the experience of the present in a way that may be less anxiety-inducing: Just. One. Thing. At. A. Time.
When we are waiting for something big, we think about all of its parts—especially what things will feel or be like when “it” arrives. I often find myself telling therapy clients a story about my daughter, who, since early toddlerhood, has had tremendous excitement about events. She anticipates them so enthusiastically that she paints clear pictures in her head about what they will be like.
I know this because she has asked me, on more than one occasion, “When will we be there?” when we are already there. It could be a vacation spot or a community event. And when I tell her that we are there, that this is it, she cries. Whatever she had spent so much time anticipating, well, this isn’t it. She’s confused, sad, disappointed, and maybe even a little angry.
Children are often present-focused, so it has been fascinating to observe within her something that we do so often as adults. We paint pictures of how we hope or wish things will be, spend a lot of time anticipating that particular outcome, and then have a lot of big feelings when things turn out differently than we expected.
My daughter’s vulnerability in the discovery that “This is it” matches our vulnerability as adults. We spend a great deal of time in our feelings about events and outcomes. It is much harder to just be in the vacation spot or to attend the community event.
Or wait until the time at which our big thing, whatever that is, will happen, will be complete, will be our new present.
Copyright 2022 Elana Premack Sandler, All Rights Reserved
