5 Essential Rules for Relationships

“Love rookies” are new to the romantic relationship game. But you don’t have to be a teenager to be a rookie. You can be a love rookie at any age. For example, if you’re a person who is back to dating after the end of a long-term committed relationship, or if it’s simply been years since you last dated, you may be a love rookie.

1. Opposites may attract, but they usually don't translate into satisfying long-term relationships. Differences are fun and exciting, especially at the beginning of a relationship when we may admire someone for possessing the very characteristics we do not. For example, if you’re an introvert, you may appreciate the extraversion of your new romantic partner. But love rookies don’t always realize that this difference can lead to a relationship’s end. Some differences are just so big that they increase a relationship's costs. Research indicates that similarities in values, lifestyle, personality, and other areas make for lower-cost, more satisfying relationships.
2. Love is not enough. Many people, especially rookies, think that if you love someone then you should stay in the relationship even if costs are high. But the truth is that love cannot overcome all relationship obstacles and costs, and love isn't enough to fix someone with major problems. Sometimes it’s best to end a relationship even if you love the other person and they love you. Fortunately, our capacity for love is practically unlimited and you don’t have to dislike a former relationship partner to love a new, more compatible one.
3. Compromise is good. Compromising yourself is bad. People in successful long-term relationships will tell you that one key to a successful relationship is compromise. This means seeking solutions that work for you both. It also means that sometimes the two of you will do what you want, and sometimes you’ll do what your partner wants. In healthy relationships, this give-and-take is relatively equal over time. But love rookies are sometimes too agreeable because they want to make a relationship work. They hide their own wants and needs, let things go that they shouldn’t, and say “yes” when they want to say “no.” It’s unsustainable, like building your relationship on quicksand. Over time, a partner that compromises too much becomes resentful, weak, and damaged. If they start to assert themselves, their partner may feel confused, and even tricked and betrayed.
4. Passionate love is not the same thing as sustainable love. Media portrayals of romantic love have many love rookies thinking that passionate love is “forever love.” However, the inevitable course of passion is to wane as reality intrudes and tramples on the fantasy of the perfect partner and perfect relationship. Also, at the beginning of a relationship, everyone’s on their best behavior and this makes it easier to idealize each other and your future together. But this level of impression management is unsustainable. Once that bloom is off the rose, you may find yourself with someone that’s very different from who you fell in love with, and someone that’s a poor match for you. One moral of this story is that you shouldn’t make any major commitments to a partner until you see each other and your future together, realistically. Another is that there's no shame in changing your mind about a relationship partner when you discover who they really are, and what a relationship with them is really like.
5. Commitment is good. Entrapment is bad. Commitment is one key to a successful romantic relationship but research tells us that commitment can keep us in unhealthy, unsatisfying relationships. Once we invest, and once others know of our commitment, leaving is harder. That's because we may lose "investments" of time, money, effort, and more. It's also hard on the ego to admit we made a mistake, and it's potentially embarrassing. But when the relationship handwriting is on the wall, it's best to cut our losses and get out instead of investing even more.

Facebook image: Olena Yakobchuk/Shutterstock