How to Give and Receive Love After Becoming a Parent

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Partners experience love differently through the various ways they give and receive it. These expressions of love are commonly known as "love languages," and include acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch, and words of affirmation.

While you may think you understand your primary love language, if you’ve been through a major life transition like new parenthood, your priorities, needs, and desires have likely changed. These changes can also impact your love language.

Take this example: A partner’s primary love language may have been physical touch prior to having a baby. As a new parent, though, they may feel “touched out” by the constant physical demands of their infant and no longer have the same desire for, or positive response to, physical touch from their partner. Alternatively, a partner who previously did not have a primary love language of quality time may now crave this and feel most connected to their partner when quality relational time is prioritized.

As a couples therapist who specializes in supporting new parents, I often hear that the ways my clients are trying to connect no longer work. The love language that once sparked connection now feels like a foreign language they cannot speak. Instead, they feel like they are metaphorically tripping over their words. What made them feel loved is different now after having a baby.

Acts of Service: If your (or your partner’s) primary love language is acts of service, this means that “actions speak louder than words." This can be a common primary love language for new parents because acts of service demonstrate that your partner is going out of their way to meaningfully help and support you. When someone initiates thoughtful acts of service, the recipient feels cared for. In the season of new parenthood, this can be a much-needed priority.

If your partner’s love language is acts of service, what can you do?

It is important to consider both the checklist of physical tasks and the mental load, or invisible labor, that supports the household and family. As an example, if you've been discussing the need for baby locks in the kitchen, ensure that you complete the task from beginning to end – the mental planning, preparation, execution, and clean up. Research baby locks that would best fit each kitchen cabinet, purchase them, install them, and clean up all items used for installation. It would be a less meaningful act of service for your partner if you simply installed locks and your partner had to do the rest of the labor to ensure its execution.

Receiving Gifts: If your (or your partner’s) primary love language is receiving gifts, this means that a heartfelt gift is most meaningful toward feeling loved. Gifts can serve as a symbol of love – in the physical object and what it represents, as well as the gift-giving process. Partners often say it’s not about the monetary value of the gift but the thought that went into it.

If your partner’s love language is receiving gifts, what can you do?

You should consider your partner's personality, preferences, and values when selecting a gift. They may find it important to receive a present to recognize the birth of your baby, commonly known as a “push present." During the postpartum period, another example might be getting your partner a cup of coffee from their favorite cafe after a sleepless night with your newborn. Gifts symbolize that you are keeping your partner in mind during this difficult season, so think about the small ways you can demonstrate this day-to-day.

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Quality Time: If your (or your partner’s) primary love language is quality time, spending time together in which there are no interruptions and there is undivided attention is of utmost importance in feeling loved. Because this can be difficult to come by for parents with young children, this can be a common primary love language. At the same time, demonstrations of this category of love language require intentionality.

If your partner’s love language is quality time, what can you do?

There are ways to create quality time even in the early postpartum period. First, it can be beneficial to set up a weekly check-in to discuss the tasks of the household as well as the emotional health of your relationship. During these check-ins, you can plan for when and how you want to spend quality time together that week. Research demonstrates that happy relationships can grow from even small moments of connection, such as micro-dates. Micro-dates involve being intentional to prioritize your relationship with your partner, even if just for 10 minutes. New parents can plan to engage in quality time at home while the baby is sleeping; no babysitter needed. An example might be sitting down to lunch together during your baby’s naptime with cellphones off and no screens on. The goal is to feel connected to one another in a shared activity.

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Physical Touch: If your (or your partner’s) primary love language is physical touch, this means that appropriate consensual physical signs of affection are what create feelings of love. For these partners, the way in which they feel the emotional connection is through physical expressions of intimacy.

If your partner’s love language is physical touch, what can you do?

It is important to prioritize physical expressions of intimacy both in and out of the bedroom. After having a baby, sex can be difficult for couples for lots of reasons. However, there are several other ways to engage in physical touch such as cuddling, holding hands, hugging, kissing, and massage. If after the kids are in bed you and your partner find yourselves watching TV, ensure that you are cuddled up next to each other rather than on opposite sides of the couch. If your partner is in the shower, hop in with them. Physical intimacy outside of sex will enhance the emotional connection between you and your partner and simultaneously help facilitate a sexual relationship.

Words of Affirmation: If your (or your partner’s) primary love language is words of affirmation, this means that acknowledgment and validation are meaningful toward feeling loved. Written or verbal affirmations allow the person to feel love and appreciation for what they do and who they are.

If your partner’s love language is words of affirmation, what can you do?

It is important to verbalize the ways in which you love and appreciate them. Often we might think things about our partner, but not express them. For a person whose love language is words of affirmation, these expressions can be so important toward their feeling understood and loved. Next time you see your partner and think something like, I’m so appreciative that they offered to take the baby on a walk so I could have some extra time to finish this project. They're so thoughtful and giving, say it! Challenge yourself to tell your partner at least one thing you are grateful for about them each day.