10 Questions to Guide Limit-Setting With Kids

Source: Alana Jordan/Pixabay

Setting limits is a confusing aspect of raising children. Some parents find that their go-to methods aren’t effective, or something that’s effective with one child doesn’t work with the next. Others find themselves being harsh when they didn’t want to be—it’s just the way the words came out of their mouths. It can be hard to find your own way.

Here are 10 questions that can help. They are divided into five different time frames.

Long before setting a limit

Question 1: What is my goal? Do I want instant obedience, or do I want to help the child develop a strong sense of morality?

Many parents understand that instant obedience is not the best goal, because it doesn’t last, and can lead to children becoming obedient to bullies, or resistant to all authority. But in the moment, parents desire that instant response. They forget deeper and longer-term goals, such as wanting children to cooperate and be kind because it feels good inside, not out of fear of punishment.

Question 2: Have I set up a natural laboratory for my children’s moral development?

That laboratory is play. Lots of playtime, including time playing with you. In play, children learn what happens if they share, take turns, be a good sport, try their hardest, act kindly…or if they don’t. This can only happen if we don’t let play get squeezed out by “more important” things. There isn’t anything more important.

Immediately before setting a limit

Question 3: What’s happening right now?

Often we set limits out of habit. We may use the exact same words and tone of voice that our parents used with us. Too often those automatic reactions are disconnecting. We yell, hit, scold or give a controlling angry look.

But every moment is a fresh new moment. What’s really going on? Am I responding to this moment, or to all the ”extra” things in my head, such as emotional triggers, fears, and assumptions? We may punish a child extra harshly because we are triggered to a memory and emotion from our past. We may worry about the distant future—if my toddler doesn’t share he will end up in prison!—and then react stronger than we need to.

Question 4: Is a limit needed, or something else?

We are quick as parents to name our children’s actions as misbehavior. Then we feel the need to punish, scold, lecture, nag, even hit. What if we get rid of the word misbehavior, and ask ourselves if a limit is really needed.

Maybe the child needs a change of scene, not a limit, like a toddler who drops food from the highchair. Maybe the child—and you—need a family meeting instead of a limit, for example when the agreements about screen time are not working. Children who are overloaded with feelings may need empathy, not limits. “You must be feeling so upset with your sister right now.”

Children with unmet needs often react with problem behavior. Punishments make the behavior worse, because they don’t meet the underlying need. Take care of the need and the behavior resolves on its own. The most common unmet needs are for connection (“We haven’t had much time together lately. I think that may be why you are being so aggressive. Let’s reconnect and have some fun together.”) or for autonomy (“You wanted to pick which cup to use, and you got mad when I decided for you. I understand you like to make choices, I will help you have lots of things you can decide.”)

Often kids do troubling things because they pick up on tension in the home, such as marital conflicts or financial pressures. Children are the canaries in the coal mine—the most sensitive ones to problems in the environment. Adults may be numb to the tension, or don’t think it affects the child. But children act up because tension does affect them. The need here is not for a limit, but for the adults to work on reducing the tension: Play more as a family, meditate, exercise, and find someone to talk to.

Question 5: Can I calm myself?

Before setting a limit, it always helps to pause and calm ourselves, for example with a few deep breaths, cool water splashed on our face, or turning away for a moment to remember the importance of connection, then turning back with more understanding and empathy. You don’t want your children to be impulsive, so model calming first before impulsive action.

During limit-setting

When parents address questions 1-5, they often find that a limit is not actually necessary. They can just play, offer the child empathy, cool themselves off, or meet the underlying need.

Of course, sometimes the child still needs limits. Even if you are calm and full of understanding big sister’s jealousy, she still can’t hit baby. Despite any tension in the home, your kid still has to turn off video games and do homework. But the answers to the earlier questions can help you set the limit more effectively, without excess harshness.

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The next questions apply if you have gotten this far and determined that yes, a limit is needed.

Question 6: Can I set the limit directly and clearly?

Many parents say things like, “It’s time to turn off the game, OK?” Or, “Don’t you want to save one of the cookies for your sister?” Then the parents are angry when the child ignores them or says no. The parent thinks they are setting a limit, but they are not, because it is not clear and direct: “It’s time to turn off the game, I’ll help you….We are saving one of the cookies for your sister, hand me the bag.”

Question 7: Can I set the limit in a way that maintains or even increases connection?

Clear and direct does not mean harsh and angry. Limits can maintain connection better if the tone of voice is warm or lighthearted. Imagine a warm tone of voice as you say, “You really want to keep watching, I understand. You wish I said yes.” Imagine a lighthearted voice: “Oh no! No cookie for your sister? Then she will turn into a screaming no-cookie monster, and I will turn into the mean mommy monster, help!”

For limits that increase connection, consider a time-in instead of a time-out. Go to your room is disconnecting (and children never sit in their room thinking about how to be a better citizen!) Let’s sit down and talk about it is connecting, as long as you listen as well as talk (I would actually suggest listening more than you talk).

Immediately after a limit

Question 8: What is happening in this moment?

Has the problem been resolved? Often we keep spouting off our anger even after the limit has been set, which is unnecessary and interferes with the parent-child relationship. Has the limit created distance between us that needs to be bridged? Can I maintain the limit while restoring and repairing the relationship?

Question 9: Can I find and express empathy for the child’s emotional reaction to the limit?

It is common for parents to say, “My child can’t accept the word no.” Usually, this means that the child is unhappy with the no. Who isn’t? We don’t need our children to like the limit. We can offer empathy when the limit makes them sad or angry. This post-limit empathy is an important part of the limit-setting process.

Follow-up

Question 10: What went well? What did I learn? Can I give myself self-compassion if it wasn’t perfect?