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Key points
- We are liked more when we are vulnerable and affirming.
- We feel close to people who support us in times of need.
- To deepen existing friendships, schedule regular times to meet up.
These four strategies can help you turn casual acquaintances into deep friendships.
1. Get More Vulnerable
One popular misconception is that vulnerability burdens others. Instead, research finds that others judge us less for our vulnerability than we assume, and in fact, our vulnerability makes others view us positively, as more authentic and honest.
This explains why a meta-analysis found that people like others more who intimately disclose. As one of my friends put it, “you can only trust that someone truly loves you when they truly know you.”
2. Affirm Each Other
Oprah has said, “Every single person you will ever meet shares that common desire. They want to know: 'Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?'” She’s right. While we may think making friends is about being charismatic, funny, or witty, it’s actually about showing people you value them.
One study followed college student pairs to determine whether they’d become and stay friends. The pairs were more likely to stay friends when they consistently affirmed one another. Compliment your friends more, send them thoughtful cards, praise their success, and tell them how much they mean to you.
3. Lend Support in Times of Need
Communal relationships, according to Yale psychologist Dr. Margaret Clark, are the closest relationships of our lives. Their defining characteristic is people in them support each other when in need. One study found that when people felt supported by a friend, they felt closer to them and more satisfied and energized by the friendship. Our crises can be an opening for deep connection when we show up for each other.
4. Find a Regular Time to See One Another
In journalist Billy Baker’s book, We Need to Hang Out: A Memoir of Making Friends, he finds himself nearing middle age and lacking friends. He tries several tactics to strengthen his bonds. The one that ultimately works is scheduling a regular time to meet up with friends. Sociologists say that continuous unplanned interaction and shared vulnerability create the perfect atmosphere for friendship. As children in school, we accessed these ingredients, but as adults, we likely need to create them. We can plan a weekly book club, picnic, or dinner to deepen our friendships.
This article also appears on my friendship blog.
