How Perfectionists Can Create a More Balanced Life

It's easy to believe that what we can't handle is so distinct from what we can. And, it's just as easy to consider both as being givens, or those elements of life we have no say in.

When patients enter treatment, they more often than not believe so much of the world is outside of their control, therefore they only focus on what they believe is in their control. People who spend most of their lives working tend to believe that work is more manageable than their non-existent personal lives. Those who become preoccupied with romance tend to believe that they can manage their partner's perceptions of them but can't (or "don't want to") attain independent success. And both realities are in some ways chosen. Here, I mean that the individual infuses their selected area with significance and excitement, albeit unconsciously and automatically, while devaluing any alternative. So, in order for them to allow themselves to shift from one to another, to let's say take time off of work to date, they demand a guarantee that the shift will afford them the same degrees of excitement, confidence, and respite, which they of course seldom do. Yet, the truth is more complicated than the belief that what's stopping them is "just the unknown."

Perfectionists tend to get stuck in some domain of achievement, whether it be personal or interpersonal, providing anyone attempting to persuade them to take risks outside of it with a plethora of reasons for why they either don't need, or can't handle, a more balanced life. They'll tell you why they enjoy the achievements at work but aren't interested in improving their relationships. They may note how the motivators in love (e.g., direct, emotional reciprocity) significantly differ from the motivators at work (which tend to be more impersonal). Or vice versa, maintaining that money is their true object of affection, while, in reality, failing to spend it. Fundamentally, these individuals repeatedly convince themselves to hyper-focus their efforts on one realm of potential joy, possessing the ability to give you a million reasons for how that area makes them happy while nothing else can.

In cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), we think in terms of cognitive distortions, or automatic, unhelpful, and flawed thinking styles. These thought patterns prevent us from seeing what's out there and, as significantly, noticing how much our realities are shaped by our beliefs of them. Perfectionists have a tendency to engage in a distorted thinking pattern called mental filtering, wherein one conceives of an experience, person, or object as being either too negative or too positive, essentially drowning out pertinent information. Additionally, they tend to minimize, or make something feel less important when it actually might be. So, for example, when challenging someone with highly developed intellectual abilities about their unwillingness to engage with others emotionally, they'll list off reason after reason for why emotions suck and waste their time. Vice versa, the more codependent type may note how too much thinking has essentially killed off real love while ignorant of how they romanticize to kill off real pain.

In treatment, CBT therapists use the process of cognitive restructuring to help the patient examine how the meanings that serve them (or, at least, are used for that end) aren't necessarily objective facts. People are frequently stunned to discover that, in some ways, they love the things they love because they've talked themselves into loving them. The workaholic is shocked when he begins to consider all of the boring and meaningless aspects of work, or how little money affects him. And the romantic, who's spent most of her time seeking approval, may be confused by the appreciation provided to her by her work community. Each may learn that their worldview was, more or less, shaped by their need for safety; essentially, they came to love, and implicitly chose to periodically recommit to, whichever area engendered the feelings of control and competence.

So, what should you do if you're unhappy with your unbalanced life?

Many perfectionists believe the imbalance is a direct result of either their own limitations or those of the world, which is usually a mask for their own shortcomings. You may ask yourself: Is the area I'm fixated on really that great or do I tend to discount some of the bad parts? Next, you may ask: Do I tend to minimize the good parts of what I'm avoiding? Here, we may learn that the difficulties of work, which we have mastered to some degree, aren't that different from those in love, meaning that resolving work-related disputes isn't fundamentally distinct from mitigating the spats with a partner, and the ways in which we cope with professional rejection can be applied to interpersonal heartbreak. Or, the rewards of a romance are just as good as, or even better than, any award from your employer. Finally, you ask: Are my skills transferrable? Or, can I handle the stress? The answer, again shocking, is usually, yes. While therapy is thought of as an endeavor to teach skills, it just as often helps redirect those already used.

Perfectionists may be amused by the chasm between their skill set and some feared activity. So, much of the therapeutic work entails bridging the gap between different domains. While it's natural to fear uncharted territory, the regret of knowing how much you could have succeeded elsewhere as well is more unbearable. Perfectionists, to go on living, use these distortions to shape their lives. It takes a lot of courage to admit you were wrong and how that contributed to a life only half-lived. Ultimately, a life full of psychological defenses isn't much of one. But, you already knew that.

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