Detect Narcissism by the Way a New Partner Opens Up

Deciphering whether a new partner is narcissistic before investing in the relationship is critical. A telltale sign of a new partner’s emotional safety may involve the manner in which they open up. Getting to know someone requires you to talk about past hardships, traumas, and heartaches. During the “getting close” process, you may be able to uncover important data about a new partner.

Typically, people open up in two ways. The first is healthy and a sign of emotional intelligence and the second may signify narcissism.

Emotionally safe self-disclosures

An emotionally intelligent partner shares specific and discreet feelings about their past experiences. They also demonstrate a clear understanding of what they were feeling and how they coped with these difficult emotions. Often they end the story with an acknowledgment about how the incident taught them something about themselves, or they identify the “silver lining” they eventually discovered.

For example, Taylor says to her new partner, “My divorce was really tough. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. My ex got all of our friends and family to turn on me. I felt completely humiliated, alone, and abandoned. It made me question whether the divorce was worth it. But I knew I had to show my kids that a person should never stay in an abusive relationship. If there is one thing in life that I want them to know, it is that they do not have to accept emotional mistreatment. It was a rough go, and I cried in the shower every day, but we made it and we are happy and thriving.”

In this example, Taylor identifies the specific emotions that she experienced during the troubling time. She describes feeling alone, humiliated, and filled with self-doubt. She also explains how she worked through these feelings by keeping her kids in mind and crying when she needed to. This demonstrates Taylor’s ability to recognize and articulate distressing emotions, act constructively on them, and recover from adversity.

Emotionally unsafe disclosures

A new partner may have a strong narcissistic streak if their articulation of a past trauma is absent of specific and discreet feeling states. They may explain, in detail, how bad they had it, but they do not identify any nuanced emotions. Instead of talking about their internal landscape, they constantly direct blame at “the bad guy” from their past. In doing so, they position themselves as the “victim.”

As the listener, you certainly may infer that they were overwhelmed, disappointed, and hurt, but they usually do not express these emotions on their own. Also, they may identify a general emotion like mad or sad, but they rarely get into the nitty gritty of what they were feeling and the specifics of how they grappled with it.

Instead they lament about how bad they had it and how they are changed forever because of their hardships. They have a fundamental belief that they had it worse than anyone else, including you. You may agree that you had it easier and the guilt may compel you to “bend over backwards” for your new fling. Before you realize it, you are appeasing, placating, sacrificing, and enabling the new love.

Lastly, they do not derive a deeper meaning from their harrowing experience. A new personal insight or silver lining is absent from their narrative. They need to continually see themselves as a victim, even though they are usually the aggressor.

This victim stance protects them from any accountability in tough situations and places the blame on someone else. It is a narcissist’s main defense mechanism and excuses them from having to take responsibility for their actions and words. It’s a “free pass in life” to behave any way they wish and then cry foul and point the finger elsewhere.

Dating is scary and becoming ensnared with a narcissist can impact your mental health and deter you from finding safe and fulfilling love. So, pay attention to your new boo’s stories. A person who includes a detailed understanding of their emotions, how they delt with these uncomfortable feelings, and what they learned about themselves, may be fairly emotionally intelligent. Conversely, a person whose disclosures are absent of feelings and self-discovery, may be playing the victim. If the theme of “I have been wronged more than anyone else, and continue to be wronged,” persists, it may be evidence that they have a victim mentality. This is a narcissist’s most robust defense mechanism and may be data that the new romance is not safe.