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Key points
- If you are stressed out, you might be suffering from a form of perfectionism.
- Self-empathy is an important but underrated tool in managing feelings of stress.
- Self-calming tools can help, but there's one small saying that is worth trying.
Are you stressed out and overwhelmed? If so, you probably feel like there's no way out of the hamster wheel of your life. Not, at least, until the kids are grown, the mortgage paid, and your college loans paid off. Oh yes, and until climate change has been taken care of, the political situation has gotten better, and people stop killing each other. But there is one little thing you can do every day to help you get through these difficult times more easily.
Perfectionism Amps Up the Pressure
I know too many people who put pressure on themselves to function at a high level all the time. Some of them are working parents who demand of themselves that they perform well at work while being active in their children’s lives. Some of these high achievers are also caregivers for their parents.
Some are starting high-pressure jobs and others are trying to maintain the success at work that they enjoy. Others are moms and dads who have chosen to stay home with their children and feel they have to parent even more perfectly than their peers who juggle parenting and work outside the home.
Missing Self-Empathy
In every case, whether in my office or in conversations with friends, family, and colleagues, I hear about the unfair emotional and physical demands people place on themselves that leave them stretched thin, exhausted, and overwhelmed. These folks don’t give themselves a break, mentally, physically, or emotionally. Their self-talk doesn’t include self-soothing or empathy for themselves. The loudest internal voice they can hear seems to be, “More. You can do more.”
This was the case for Maia*, who was feeling guilty on a Monday that over the weekend she hadn’t managed to visit her grandmother, who was receiving hospice care at a nursing home. “I know she loves me,” Maia said, “but I want to be there with her, to let her know that I’m still here, to keep her company.” Maia was mom to an infant and a toddler and had a very demanding, albeit rewarding job. She had a supportive and loving husband who shared the parenting and household work but was also trying to excel at a demanding job.
This was also the case for Len*, distressed that he wasn’t available enough for a good friend who was going through hard times. Len worked long hours at his job and was in a new relationship, which he was trying to grow. He was also in charge of caring for his father, who had dementia. Len’s parents were divorced, and his married sister was estranged from both parents. His father had a full-time caregiver, but Len oversaw everything and tried to spend time with his father at least once a week. But he also valued his friends. As he put it, “I’m not going to let my job or my new relationship stop me from being there when someone I care about needs me.”
As I listen to clients like Maia and Len try to accomplish more than is humanly possible in the finite hours we have every day, I find myself worrying that they will break under the pressure they put on themselves. Recently, as I was trying to find a way into this unrelenting self-demand, I asked Len, “Where are you in all of this?”
“What do you mean?” asked Len.
“I mean, you’re taking care of everyone and everything else in your life. How about you? Are you taking care of you?”
“Oh, come on, Diane,” Len said. “I know all about that ‘take care of yourself’ stuff. And I do what I can. But that doesn’t excuse me from being a good friend.”
Try Saying This to Yourself
Len and Maia, like many others who relentlessly pressure themselves, felt that they could meet their own needs only after they had accomplished everything they needed to get done. As I listened to Len, I thought about a conversation I’d had with my son years earlier, when he was a preteen.
I was fussing at him about something, and he interrupted me and said, “Mom, when I was younger, and you were trying to give me advice, you would start the conversation with ‘Ah, Sweetie.’ Now you skip that part and go right to the thing I’ve done wrong. Could you go back to ‘Ah, Sweetie’ first?”
Of course, I laughed, but it was an important reminder. We all need a little recognition of our pain before we can move forward doing things that we know we need to do.
There is a plethora of articles about how to de-stress in the midst of a stressful life. For example, my PT colleague Arjan Schröder recently wrote about ways to manage your perfectionism. And yes, despite what you might think, much of the stress you put on yourself might come down to perfectionism. Exercise, mindfulness practices, setting smaller goals, and taking small breaks from a busy schedule are all important tools for shifting gears and coping in a demanding world.
But sometimes, to take any of these steps, we first need to give ourselves an “Ah, Sweetie” moment.
I don’t mean we need to sit and feel sorry for ourselves. In fact, I’m suggesting the opposite. An “Ah, Sweetie” moment is a brief period of self-empathy, of gentle kindness, before pushing ahead with a difficult task. Those who most successfully deal with the pain they have felt are those who acknowledge the pain, give themselves a moment of kindness, and then engage in the life they’re living.
“Ah, Sweetie” is not the solution to all life’s problems. But try it the next time something upsets you and see where it takes you.
* Names and identifying info changed to protect privacy.
