Who Are the Forgotten Survivors When a Death Occurs?

When a death occurs in a family, who are usually the last ones to be told? These are the forgotten survivors—the children/teens and sometimes the grandparents. Why does this happen?

Here are several possible answers:

1. The adults are having a very hard time dealing with the death and it is just too difficult to try to tell the children/teens/grandparents right now.
2. The adults are very protective of their children as well as the grandparents and don’t want to upset them.
3. Adults often think children are resilient and will get over this loss quickly, so it is okay to tell them later.
4. It is better not to upset the children/teens or grandparents because it will be too painful for them.

These are answers that might make sense, but is it really fair to the forgotten survivors to not tell them of the death? How do you explain your tears? How do you explain your change of emotions when in their company? How do you explain the absence of the person or pet that is no longer around?

Children and teens, and even grandparents, need to know who has died, whether it is a parent, another grandparent, a friend of the family, a friend of the child or teen, a teacher, or even a pet.

This is difficult to do, but taking the time to talk and listen to them could help them as well as you. If they know you are crying, or sad because someone died, this gives them permission to cry with you and comfort you as you comfort them. It is better to hear from you rather than from a neighbor or someone at school, because they may not understand why you didn’t tell them.

If a death is not discussed in the home, then what happens when the child or teen gets a little older and another death occurs? Who can they trust with their feelings? What do they do with how they are feeling inside? Do they become scared or angry every time there is a death, because they don’t know what to do or where to go for help when they are sad?

Young children may look inward, or cry a lot, want to be alone, suck their thumb, wet their bed, or become antagonistic toward friends or even the teacher or other children at school. A teen’s grades may drop, they may search for an outlet other than their family to deal with their emotions, such as drugs, drinking, or possibly even self-harm.

These forgotten survivors can navigate through their losses if someone will only take the time to sit and talk and listen to their pain. This can be a difficult process to go through for the adult as well as the child/teen but in the long run, it will help everyone involved.

If, after a few weeks, the child/teen seems to be struggling with the death, perhaps a grief support group for children or teens would help. They will be able to connect with others that are struggling and can get the help they may need at the time. Hospitals, churches, and even funeral homes may have a program or can perhaps direct you to a group or someone who can help them as well as you.

It is also very important to contact the school, the teacher, school counselor, or school nurse. This way, they can be aware of any sudden changes that may take place in the child/teen and the reasons for their change in attitude or behavior. This will allow them to take care of the situation by talking and listening to the child/teen and letting them know they care about them and are there for them if they need to talk.

Think about it. The last time your family experienced a death, how was it handled? Were the forgotten survivors included? If not, then why not? If they were included and you spent time talking and listening to them, congratulations for not allowing them to be forgotten. If not, perhaps you may have some difficult work ahead of you in the future.