Should You Have a Funeral After Your Loved One Dies?

The question, “Should we have funerals?” may seem strange, but in a complicated world, is it really such a strange question? I don’t think so. So then, why do we still have funerals? Are funerals for the living or the dead? What do you think?

According to Dr. William G. Hoy, there are four reasons: to “remember, reaffirm, realize, and release.”

The first reason is to remember.

Remembering means exactly what it says. We remember through pictures, stories, music, and eulogies from the clergy (if there is one present) or perhaps from a family member or friend who knew the deceased. We relive stories of our deceased loved one at the visitation, funeral mass, or church service, as well as at the celebrations that follow the burial, such as the luncheons provided by the family or church.

Where else can you get a captive audience to reminisce about your deceased loved one? For some of those listening, it is really a time to remember, a time to laugh, but also a time to cry. A time to think back on the stories they remember about the deceased. A time when perhaps, later, they too can share their stories with the family and friends of the deceased.

It is a time to remember what they loved, such as gardening, singing, sewing, photography, writing, sports, doing crafts, or just being who they were with their children, grandchildren, and perhaps even their great-grandchildren.

The second is to reaffirm.

This means finding your way back to the spirituality that perhaps seems to have gone astray for a while but now seems to be a necessity to help you get through this difficult time in your life. It might mean having a talk with the clergy or a friend with whom you can share how you are feeling and perhaps pray together for yourself and the deceased.

Perhaps it means joining a grief support group and finding out that you are not the only one who feels the way you do, as well as getting the help you need to get through this very difficult time.

The next is to realize.

It’s important to realize that we live in a death-denying society where people rarely talk about death or the dying, and therefore, they make it very difficult for someone to actually deal with the death of their loved one.

Today many children who don’t practice a religious faith may feel their parent doesn’t need a funeral service because they, the children, don’t believe anymore, yet their parent went to religious services every week. How sad to deny their parent what they believed and practiced religiously because it makes their children feel uncomfortable to walk into a church or temple or other sacred space, even for a funeral.

The last one is to release.

This means saying goodbye to our loved one. Saying goodbye does not, however, mean we will forget our deceased loved one or that our grief is over after the funeral or burial. It means it is really the continuation of our grief, which began when our loved one died or, in some cases, before their death occurred, such as in ALS or dementia.

Grief takes as long as it takes. We all grieve differently; what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for someone else. Grief can take months to years to a lifetime, depending on the type of death and the age of the deceased.

As we grieve, we take on a “new normal,” which simply means we are not who we were before our loved one died. We can never go back to who we were when they were alive. We may do things and feel differently because of our loved one’s death. Grief takes over, and it can affect us mentally, physically, socially, and spiritually.

It is difficult to focus, to remember where we may have put things, to recall where we are going, etc. We may have headaches, heart problems, aches, and pains we didn’t have before; our immune system may seem to be somewhat off.

We may not be motivated to do anything, when before we were always on the go. We may be tired all the time and not feel like eating, or stopping to eating. We might have trouble sleeping, or we may sleep too long and not want to get out of bed.

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We may not want to be around others or call anyone to talk with. We may feel lonely as well as alone.

We may stop going to religious services. We may blame God for our loved one’s death. We may stop praying because we have just plain given up on life—we have become depressed.

As we say our final goodbyes to our loved one, our new normal has already begun to take over, and perhaps we may need to seek help in a month or so.

So, are funerals essential? Yes, for many reasons, but in part because they create a time for healing, remembering, reaffirming, realizing, and releasing. Allow yourself to feel what you feel and take your time to heal and plan a funeral gathering.