Why Some People Feel Alone Even When They're Not

You don't need to fit in to be happy.

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Some individuals go through life always feeling that they are alone or that they do not fit in, even while in the company of others. Many people feel this even when with their family members.

Manny’s Experience

“I always felt like I’m everybody’s last choice. Better than nothing but also better than no one. I was never in the inner circle. I was only invited to the largest parties and events. I was always the last to know what was going on in school and at work. Sometimes I feel like a loser.”

JJ’s Experience

“I never know what to say around other people. Whenever I am in a group of people, I feel like everyone knows what to say and I have no idea. I just keep quiet. When I do try to join in or answer a question, I get anxious. My heart starts thumping. I struggle pronouncing words. This happens at parties or meetings with parent groups, but I feel judged—as if I were being interviewed for a job. I don’t enjoy these experiences, so I routinely avoid them. People think I am a loner or a recluse. Maybe I am?”

Individuals like Manny and JJ have these experiences in almost all social settings despite their often having very good interpersonal sensitivity. Their sensitivity undermines them by making them acutely aware that they are not in sync with the others in the group, which increases their awkwardness and anxiety.

Individuals experiencing this type of social discomfort are often polite and considerate. They do not interrupt others and they say please and thank you when it is appropriate to do so. They often avoid eye contact, because it makes them feel transparent and judged. They feel like others can see how uncomfortable they are. Individuals experiencing these symptoms are often very intelligent, but their anxiety prevents them from being able to demonstrate this in front of others.

The feelings of awkwardness and not fitting in with others are often disarming. It prevents these individuals from asserting themselves and sticking up for themselves in social environments, though they may be effective at asserting themselves in environments that are focused on a task, rather than socialization, such as at work or a softball league.

The Psychology of Fitting In

Fitting into most groups of people requires some degree of conformity. You need to be interested in the topics that others in the group are interested in and think and talk about them the way they do. Becoming an integral part of these groups requires that you sacrifice some of your individuality in order to synchronize your perspectives, values, and styles.

Some individuals are chameleon-like in that they naturally and empathically pick up the patterns of relating to different groups and modify themselves accordingly. They accommodate themselves to the group. They leave their individuality behind. For some people, this is automatic and they don’t even register that they are changing themselves to fit into groups. Others are aware and do this intentionally.

If you are one of those people who feels alienated in most social group settings, it may be because your personality resists conformity. You have difficulty liking what other people like and you resist changing the way you think in order to feel part of a group. Maybe you are better off?

Conformity and Personal Stability

Chameleon-like personalities are unstable. Becoming a part of your social environment by changing yourself requires destabilization, perhaps fracturing, of your sense of self to be accepted by others. Your personality resists this. In the above examples, Manny and JJ experience anxiety in social situations because they feel defective for not conforming.

Conformity Essential Reads

Dress Down for Success: When Nonconformity Signals Status

You Are a Conformist (That Is, You Are Human)

Society pressures us to conform. We are urged, and sometimes required, to adopt the values, perspectives, and judgments of others and we are ostracized or taunted if we refuse. This is not healthy. If you want to be comfortable in groups, you need to find groups that have values and styles similar to your own. If you choose to be in groups with different values or styles, then you have to accept that you will feel uncomfortable if you do not surrender some of your individuality.

Clara’s Story

Clara felt comfortable and natural in the rural farm town she grew up in. As a young woman, she attended university and learned business skills that she applied very successfully to the family business.

Her success in business and upward mobility brought her into social groups with other successful individuals. She was pleasant and attractive and was invited to attend social events. She went to some of them but felt chronically out of place.

She was invited to a country club, but she didn’t play golf. She was accustomed to simple, natural food preparations and unfamiliar with gourmet cuisine, so she could not share recipes or stories of eating at fancy restaurants. She felt welcome, but she also felt like an outsider.

Clara eventually learned to become comfortable being different rather than trying to become someone else. She acknowledged that she never held a golf club and asked many questions about food ingredients that she had never heard of before.

She was accepted as part of the group but left out of activities such as golf tournaments and dinners at gourmet restaurants. She came to realize that she was not interested in golf and could not effectively portray that she loved it. She did not like gourmet food; she liked home cooking. She had to be true to her nature. She attended cocktail parties and other events with her new associates, but no longer tried to be like them. She realized that she was happier this way.

Individuals whose personalities resist destabilization in social settings will be happier accepting that they are different from others in certain groups rather than trying to change themselves in order to fit in. Individuality, non-conformity, is not a weakness or a failure. Accepting your fundamental non-conformity will lead to greater satisfaction in social situations and a reduction in anxiety as you dismiss the need to change to conform. Love yourself as you are and you will be healthier for it.

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