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Do you remember those feelings when you first held your new baby in your arms? Amazement, joy, pride, love. But, admit it, you were probably also scared. Why? Because you believed that how this child turns out is totally up to you, and if things don’t go well it’s all your fault forevermore. So, mommy guilt is present right at the start along with breast milk…or the guilt some of us have for not breastfeeding our babies!
Do You Think You Don’t Deserve Mother’s Day?
The years have been passing by, and that baby is now several years older. Maybe there have been other siblings born or relationship status changes that have greatly impacted your family since then. But, in spite of all your good resolutions to be the perfect mother, you can’t help feeling that you haven’t measured up to your hopes and aspirations as a mom, and now Mother’s Day is here once again to remind you of that.
Why Do Working Moms Feel So Guilty?
One reason is that many working moms hold themselves to unreasonably high standards when it comes to parenting. In addition, as exhausted working moms, we tend to think in absolutes and usually predict a predominantly negative outcome.
If I don’t do a good job, I might scar my child for life, and they’ll blame me forever for it.
Maybe this results from being away from our children so often because we are usually working long hours, and are many times not available when they need us most. It's a syndrome.
I have to be better at bringing up my kids to make up for being away so much.
Being a Mom Is an Integral Part of Our Identities
Both being a part of the workforce and being a parent are essential parts of our identities as working moms. So it follows that when things go right or wrong, we feel it reflects on how good a job (or not) we are doing as a parent.
- When our child succeeds academically, we find ourselves thinking: I did a good job.
- When a child doesn’t make the honor roll, we tell ourselves: I didn’t push him hard enough.
Here are Some Tips to Break This Syndrome
Ask yourself, is what I did something I should really feel guilty about? Not volunteering to bake cookies for the PTA bake-and-cake sale because you’re too busy is not worth feeling bad about. However, reneging on your promise to take your kid to the science fair is something you might want to be cognizant of in the future.
- Don’t obsess over things you have no control over (e.g., you make sure that your child brushes her teeth before going to bed and you severely limit junk food, but she still gets a cavity).
- Let the small stuff go, Is it really a big deal if your daughter occasionally picks out mismatched outfits for school and her hair is a bit mussed because you’re late and in a rush?
- Learn to prioritize. As a parent, one of our responsibilities is to provide a safe environment for our children. So, ask yourself the following question:
Would I really be causing harm to my child if I didn't attend to this task right now?
If your answer is no or not much, why feel guilty about it? Instead, we can make a mental note to ourselves that we want to invest more in being there for our children in ways that make them feel important and connected with us and put in on our wish list for the coming weeks.
Make a Choice to Enjoy Mother’s Day
Finally, regard mommy guilt as a sign that you truly love and care for your children. You have to make choices, and one option should be not feeling miserable because you are loaded down with mommy guilt. So, you haven’t cleaned your baseboards in a year, you are allowing your child to wing it with their homework, you have opted out of carpooling for your daughter, your tomato plants died because you didn’t get around to tending them, and on and on! But is all that worth beating yourself up about on this special day? Now that you know that your mommy guilt can shine a light on what your priorities are, which areas you want to invest in, and just how much you truly love your child, have a happy, guilt-free Mother’s Day.
