Ease Off the "Mind Reading"

No matter how much you try to "mind-read" people in your relationships, I’m going to be so bold as to declare that you are not psychic!

By mind reading, I mean guessing at what a friend, colleague, family member, or partner is thinking and feeling internally, and often saying something like:

• “You’re thinking that I …” or,
• “You’re mad at me which is completely ridiculous …” or,
• “Why do you think you can just …” or,
• “What? Really? You must think that I …”

There are many examples of people claiming the paranormal ability of mind reading. Edgar Cayce in the late 1800’s claimed to be able to access your “soul’s” past, present, and future intentions, and experiences. Many have professed mind reading abilities, as your town’s local palm-reading psychic can attest, and yet scientific confirmation for it is flimsy.

One famous performer, the late John “the Amazing” Dunniger, earned renown (and even an invitation to perform for President Teddy Roosevelt at the White House) out of debunking those who claimed paranormal mental ability. He did so by using magician-like trickery to duplicate many of the feats of those claiming telepathic ability, even posting an open $10,000 challenge to any medium who could duplicate his performances through actual paranormal ability. No one ever was able to claim the prize.

The Science of Empathic Accuracy

What does have scientific support is how people rely upon arguably evolution-borne tendencies to anticipate other people’s thoughts and feelings to connect with each other and navigate daily life matters. According to social psychologist William Ickes, “empathic accuracy for thoughts is extremely important.” Human beings’ ability to accurately read others’ thoughts and feelings makes for more connection and collaboration and likely helped us survive and genetically thrive as a species.

According to research, empathic accuracy for strangers’ inner states averages about 20%, 30% for close friends, and 30-35% for marital partners, with the highest seen by researchers in the 50-60% range. Ickes underscores that he and his collaborators have yet to see an individual with accuracy rates above 70% — true telepathy territory.

While it is crucial that human beings have some ability to accurately anticipate another person’s internal states, we often are convinced we know what’s true for someone when we don’t. Even if we are right, stating or acting on our “certainty” about what’s happening inside someone else’s mind often has a lead-balloonish landing. Even experienced psychotherapists and authors of all things awareness and relationships cannot directly and with complete accuracy know another human being’s “truth” – their present moment inner experience.

Consider this: How much do you like it when someone flatly tells you what you’re thinking and feeling? How much do you respond with: “Oh, yes! You are correct, my mind reading friend! It’s like you’re thinking my thoughts and feelings for me … I’m so lucky to have such an all-knowing being such as yourself in my life!”

You’re thinking I’m wasting your time with this post. You’re only reading this because you’re bored, procrastinating, or somehow not caring about being productive right now. Deep down, you know your time would be better spent elsewhere. See? Do you love me at this moment or has your face gone a bit sour?

You, me, all of us despise it and are immediately triggered into defensiveness when people shove their all-knowing conviction about our inner world at us, and yet most of us, much of the time, are magnetized to broadcast our mind reading to others. Why?

Breaking the Habit of Mind-Reading Certainty

In my clinical work with individuals, couples, and families, I’ve noticed people are most likely to believe they are correct in their mind reading when anxious, angry, or in some way upset during an interaction. Even though rigid belief in mind reading tends to turn out poorly, gets the other person upset, and you end up less than happy yourself, you get something from doing it, or else you wouldn’t do it. It’s a habit and like all habits, there is something “rewarding” at the end of that mind-reading habit rainbow.

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Our mind-reading certainty habit is a lot like the all-too-common worrying habit. Worrying is generally believed (even by worriers!) to be unproductive and more than a bit uncomfortable while doing it, and yet a-worrying you will go! Why? Because when things are uncertain, unpredictable, and therefore anxiety-provoking, the small dollop of control worrying gives you brings a slight breeze of relief to the painful feelings in the body and mind when anxiety is escalating. “Well, at least I’m trying to come up with a solution, or a way to understand what’s going to happen,” is what our worrying habit would say if it could talk to us.

The “mind-reading certainty” habit is perhaps similar in function to worrying. In fact, mind reading can be regarded as a form of relational worrying. It’s like this: “Because I’m right about what you’re thinking and feeling, I have some control, and soon, you’ll realize I’m right and agree with me and this negative stuff will go away.”

The challenge is not to kill off all mind reading. Again, we benefit from modest accuracy in connecting and meeting challenges together. The problem is when our certainty habit kicks in because we’re feeling threatened. That’s when it can help to learn to be certain about the truth of your uncertainty with others. If you’re willing to let go of being right, you just might find that the other feels comfortable actually sharing what’s happening inside that only they can know.

Try This: “Be Certain About Uncertainty”

1. Call to mind a recent difficult interaction with a friend or loved one.

2. Vividly imagine the scene until your thoughts once again stray into guesses as to what the other person was thinking and feeling.

3. Take a full, slow deep breath in, and as you do, notice any upset, or clenched sensations in your body suggesting you’re on the defense (perhaps like you were in the actual situation).

4. As you exhale, think, or whisper the following to yourself: “I don’t know.” (Because it’s true that you cannot directly and fully know what is happening in someone’s thoughts and feelings).

5. Breathe in again, noticing your body’s reactions.

6. Exhale again and ask: “What might I be missing that matters to them?” (Because this prompts you to be curious, which may shift the entire flow of the interaction in a better direction.)