Use a Coercive-Abuse Checklist to See Reality

In an intimate relationship, the harmful effects of coercive abuse can often be missed by those enduring—it as well as their therapists. Unlike physical violence which is criminalized with laws and protective measures, non-physical abuse is easily overlooked unless you specifically search for it. Completing a “coercive abuse checklist” can enable someone to see the harmful coercion embedded in behaviors used by their partner. Recognizing that abuse is taking place is the first critical step towards healing and selecting the right help.

The Coercive Behavior Checklist

After decades of clinical work within the realm of coercive abuse in intimate relationships, I’m surprised that the same condition of denying and minimizing accompanies virtually every client with a controlling partner. It’s testimony to the difficulty recognizing abuse when it’s not physical—and the psychological impact of abuse that gets in the way of owning the experience.

In my work with individuals with coercive partners, there is often deep confusion, self-blame, loss of trust in one’s judgment, and trauma symptoms. Too often it comes to my attention that years of clinical help failed to help an individual or couple. Also, if medication has been prescribed for anxiety or depression, it often only prolongs the bearing of the abuse. What is the best way to get clear or help a client become aware about what they could be experiencing in their relationship is a coercive-abuse checklist.

In my clinical practice, I use a “Controlling Behavior Checklist” that I acquired during a domestic violence training in 1982. Although we have moved from criminalizing domestic violence to now taking seriously the harm of non-physical abuse often identified as coercive control, coercive abuse, narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, etc., the harmful tactics or behaviors haven’t changed. For decades, this checklist has helped hundreds of clients self-identify their abusive experience. Often, clients are surprised by the amount of checks they see, indicating the pervasiveness of coercion they endure. Bringing a history of abuse into awareness can be painful, yet it’s a chance to begin a healing journey and take back control of one’s life.

I can’t stress enough the value of using a checklist. It’s a profound way to quickly identify the problem. There are many available online if you search “controlling behavior checklist," but I'm providing below the one I use. It’s informative about psychological abuse, physical violence, and sexual abuse. You can use it yourself to identify coercive behaviors you might be experiencing from a partner. As a friend or family member, you can offer it to a person who you suspect might be enduring abuse—or give it to a young person starting to date, or in a relationship. (If you're a clinician, use it in your practice.) These coercive behaviors are serious red flags, and we also know that psychological abuse can be a precursor to physical violence.

Controlling Behavior Checklist

Psychological Abuse

______ Standing in the doorway during arguments/keeping you from leaving

______ Making angry or threatening gestures

______ Giving you the menacing "look"

______ Using body or size to intimidate you

______ Standing over you

______ Shouting you down, exploding, yelling, or screaming

______ Driving recklessly to scare you

______ Threats of all kinds, including taking the children away

______ The silent treatment: not speaking or acknowledging you

______ Harassment/seeking you out to annoy you

______ Stalking you in your home

______ Using crude language, calling you names

_____ Ridiculing your traits, putting you down

______ Criticizing your behavior

______ Blaming you/false accusations

______ Pressure tactics, rushing you into decisions

______ Making you feel guilty

______ Manipulating the children

______ Using your children to coerce you

______ Interrupting, changing topics, not listening, not responding

______ Lying, twisting your words, withholding information: gaslighting

______ Claiming to be the authority, knowing “the truth”

______ Controlling your money or all of the financial decisions

______ Isolating you from family, friends, or neighbors

______ Preventing you from working outside the home

______ Sabotaging your job and activities outside your home

______ Turning family, children, or friends against you

______ Jealousy, emotional withholding

______ Affairs, infidelity

______ Calling you constantly to check up on you

______ Isolating you/making you a prisoner in your own home

______ Threatening suicide

______ Threatening to kill you

______ Threatening abandonment if you don’t do what they want

______ Keeping you up at night with tirades, interfering with your sleep

______ Preventing you from seeking help: medical attention, psychotherapy, etc.

Physical Violence

______ Slapping with an open hand

______ Punching with a fist

______ Beating

______ Biting

______ Kicking

______ Dragging

______ Poking

______ Grabbing/yanking arm

______ Twisting an arm, squeezing a hand

______ Choking, strangling

______ Pushing, restraining

______ Pinching

______ Pulling [hair]

______ Physically throwing you

______ Physical restraints: holding you down, pinning you against a wall

______ Throwing objects around

______ Throwing objects at you

______ Spitting on you

______ Abuse of furniture, home, your personal possessions

______ Abuse of pets

______ Keeping weapons around that threaten you

______ Using weapons or objects that threaten you

Sexual Abuse

______ Jokes against women/men, objectifying and devaluing you

______ Degrading you sexually, making you feel ashamed

______ Using threats or coercion to have sex with you or to have sex you don’t like

______ Waking up to find your partner having or attempting sex with you

______ Rape (forcing sexual acts against your will)

(From DV training in 1982 at REACH—previously The Committee for Battered Women.)

Awareness of coercive abuse from an intimate partner is critical and cannot be ignored. With knowledge from a coercive-abuse checklist, you can seek out informed help and support.

©Lambert.