Toxic Forgiveness: Why 'Forgive and Forget' Doesn't Really Work

We’ve all heard the phrase “forgive and forget.” On the surface, it sounds like a noble approach to dealing with hurt in our lives. But is it really the best way to handle the pain caused by those closest to us? No, it's not; it's actually toxic. Often, "forgive and forget" becomes a way to ignore and avoid, rather than truly address the underlying issues. Ignoring or avoiding a problem can be devastating for a relationship, and it's crucial to approach forgiveness with a more nuanced understanding.

The Dangers of Toxic Forgiveness

• What is toxic forgiveness?

Toxic forgiveness occurs when someone forgives another person superficially or prematurely, often without addressing the underlying hurt or allowing time for genuine healing. This type of forgiveness is often a response to pressure—either from others or oneself—to "move on" or "let it go" without adequately processing the emotions involved. Toxic forgiveness can also manifest when forgiveness is granted out of fear of conflict, to maintain peace at any cost, or due to societal or cultural expectations that discourage holding others accountable for their actions.

• Why toxic forgiveness doesn’t work

Toxic forgiveness is problematic because it bypasses the essential emotional work required for true reconciliation and healing. By forgiving too quickly or insincerely, the hurt party may suppress their true feelings, leading to unresolved anger, resentment, and even bitterness over time. This avoidance of conflict and true resolution can erode trust in the relationship, as the underlying issues are never properly addressed.

Research suggests that forgiveness, when not accompanied by emotional processing and resolution, can lead to what psychologists call "emotional detachment." This is a state where the injured party might forgive but emotionally disconnect from the relationship, leading to further issues like withdrawal, decreased intimacy, and, eventually, the breakdown of the relationship (Baumeister et al., 1998).

• How toxic forgiveness damages relationships

Toxic forgiveness can be particularly damaging in close relationships because it creates a facade of harmony while allowing deeper issues to fester. Over time, these unresolved issues can accumulate, leading to a lack of trust, frequent misunderstandings, and chronic dissatisfaction within the relationship. The person who forgave might feel emotionally neglected or invalidated, while the other party might remain unaware of the ongoing damage their actions have caused.

Moreover, when toxic forgiveness becomes a pattern, it can encourage the perpetuation of unhealthy behaviors. The offending party may not feel the need to change their behavior if they believe they are easily forgiven, which can lead to repeated transgressions and further harm to the relationship.

In contrast, healthy forgiveness requires time, emotional processing, and, often, meaningful changes in behavior from the offending party. It's a process that fosters genuine healing and strengthens relationships by addressing the root causes of hurt and rebuilding trust.

To avoid the pitfalls of toxic forgiveness, it's important to recognize when forgiveness is being rushed or forced and to take the necessary time to fully process emotions, set boundaries, and communicate effectively with the other person.

The Power of (Nontoxic) Healthy Forgiveness

Forgiveness is undoubtedly a powerful and transformative act. It has the potential to heal wounds, rebuild trust, and restore relationships. However, misconceptions about what forgiveness entails can lead to further harm rather than healing. True forgiveness is not about excusing bad behavior or pretending it never happened. It’s about acknowledging the hurt, understanding the context, and making a conscious decision to move forward in a healthier way.

For example, imagine your partner, who is typically caring and thoughtful, acts selfishly in a particular situation. While this behavior is frustrating, it may be forgivable because it’s a one-time occurrence that doesn’t reflect their overall character. Character is revealed over time, through consistent actions and behaviors. If someone’s actions are out of character, it’s essential to consider the broader context rather than making hasty judgments.

Why We Should Be Cautious in Our Judgments

It’s easy to make quick assumptions about someone’s character based on isolated incidents. But doing so can be unfair and damaging to relationships. Research in social psychology supports this idea, showing that people often fall prey to what’s known as the "fundamental attribution error"—the tendency to attribute others' behaviors to their character while ignoring situational factors (Ross, 1977). This means that we might label someone as thoughtless or uncaring based on a single instance, without considering the circumstances that might have influenced their behavior.

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This is why it's crucial to weigh someone’s actions against the broader backdrop of their character. Would you want to be judged solely based on your worst moments? Likely not. Similarly, we should extend the same grace to others, recognizing that everyone has off days and makes mistakes.

The ABCs of Authentic Forgiveness

So, how can we practice a more genuine and restorative form of forgiveness in our relationships? Here’s a three-step approach that can help:

A - Acknowledge: The first step is to bring the grievance to the other person’s attention. However, instead of focusing solely on the single incident, look for patterns of behavior that may be causing harm. For instance, if your spouse consistently dismisses your opinions when making decisions, it’s important to address this pattern rather than letting it fester. Research shows that unresolved conflicts and negative communication patterns can lead to long-term relationship dissatisfaction (Gottman & Levenson, 2000). By acknowledging the pattern, you open the door to honest communication, which is the foundation of any healthy relationship.

B - Begin to Process: The goal here is to explore the what, why, and how of the situation. This step requires both parties to listen and share openly. It’s not about proving who is right or wrong but about understanding each other’s perspectives and emotions. Processing the issue together can lead to greater empathy and a deeper connection. Studies have shown that couples who engage in constructive communication and conflict resolution are more likely to have satisfying and stable relationships (Markman et al., 2010).

C - Commit: Finally, both partners should commit to making positive changes. This involves not only agreeing on specific actions to prevent the issue from recurring but also supporting each other’s growth. Forgiveness is not just about the past; it’s about creating a better future together. According to research by Worthington et al. (2007), forgiveness interventions can significantly improve relationship satisfaction and emotional well-being, particularly when both partners are committed to the process.

Conclusion

In conclusion, while "forgive and forget" may seem like an easy solution to relational conflicts, it can often lead to toxic forgiveness, where unresolved emotions and issues are swept under the rug, causing deeper harm in the long run. True forgiveness requires more than just moving on; it involves acknowledging the hurt, processing the emotions, and committing to meaningful changes in the relationship. By practicing authentic forgiveness, we not only heal ourselves but also strengthen our relationships, creating a foundation of trust, empathy, and mutual growth that is essential for long-term satisfaction and connection.