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Leadership
Embracing the 'I Don’t Know'
How accepting uncertainty might drive better outcomes.
Posted February 19, 2024 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Key points
- Allow yourself to be in the now, letting go of rigid expectations and being open to new possibilities.
- Be attuned to what truly matters and adjust plans accordingly for a more fulfilling experience.
- Not knowing can lead to both risks and possibilities, sometimes resulting in better outcomes than anticipated.
“But MOMMMM, where are we going, how long will we be there, and when are we coming home?”
My daughter peppered me with questions, incessantly wanting to understand, yet again, our holiday plans. I was behind in my planning and trying to optimize for all the possible activities and weather. My patience was thinning as my mind was scanning 10 different mental lists and thinking through the seven different visits that I had planned over the next 48 hours.
Rather than repeat our plans for the 12th time, I surrendered to “Sweetie, I don’t know.”
While we like to believe that we like surprises, rarely do we covet uncertainty. Just like my daughter, we prefer to know what will happen and how things will unfold. It is why we dislike leadership transitions, staying on in unfilling roles, or getting so unsettled with travel delays.
In our need to know and our desire to plan, however, we often lose out. We mask our need for control with an illusion of “wanting to be prepared.” We want to have our bases covered. I was living this very illusion as I packed food for a week and gear for everything from seeing grandparents to singing in church, swimming, sledding, and skating.
Ironically, it rained all week, and I overlooked raincoats. And it was better than I could have imagined.
When we relax and surrender control, we open the possibility of more fully and deeply experiencing ourselves and those around us. It is both a willingness to try new things and to be OK with uncertainty. While kids “live” this way a lot, as adults we are often driven to overthink plans (illusion of being prepared/gateway to control).
After my uncle died in November, I longed to have one more Christmas on his farm—reliving our memories of sledding, snowshoeing, and sipping hot chocolate by his crackling pot-belly stove. So attached to re-creating “that,” I nearly missed a much easier, much better option. A friend texted me in early December, asking me to use their home over the holidays as they were traveling. Her third message sounded exasperated: “Did you see this?”
Not exactly sure what we were getting into, but we graciously accepted for “just two nights.” Our sage hostess was delighted and reminded me that we could stay for two weeks if we wanted. It’s been five days already, and we’re still having a wonderful time here.
Key Question: Are you making detailed plans for a valid reason (e.g., so you and your luggage can make a flight connection)? Or, are you planning and over-planning mostly so you can feel in control?
Hint: clinging to control doesn’t mean you’re really in control… and it doesn’t always lead to the best outcomes.
1. Allow Yourself to Be in the Now
Overly attached to my Christmas farm fantasy, I nearly missed an amazing offer that was far easier and more rejuvenating than the farm.
2. Stay Centered… and Listen
In my attachment, I hadn’t tuned into what my family or I really wanted or needed. I craved time away from the busyness—to be with my family. What I almost missed was the beautiful, welcoming space right in front of me.
3. Surrender to Unkowns…
There is both risk and possibility in not knowing. It may or may not work out…
With the unseasonably warm, wet, and foggy weather, being on the farm would have been a muddy disaster. Instead, my kids were practicing piano, we were enjoying cozy movie nights and working out in their basement.
4. Settle in and Look Around
On our second morning, my husband announced, “I don’t want to leave…” and so we stayed on. Our hosts were not surprised but delighted. In the old saying, “It takes two to see one,” or it is hard to paint a chair when you are sitting in it. Sometimes others know us better. Explore leaving options open.
5. Share With Others
What do you have, and what can you share? We all have things that others might value. Explore what you can give that might be valuable. We have been quick to offer our primary home to friends.
Learn to embrace discovery and not knowing exactly what’s next. You don’t need to understand, be certain, or plan everything. Go back to basics and listen to the voices inside and around you that might be beckoning. Then sit back and enjoy the magical ventures and experiences that might await.
