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It’s like a mid-life crisis, except that it is happening to adults of all ages, and they are talking about their most precious relationships. Never before have so many people asked me, “Is this it? Is this all there is?” It’s a relationship cry for help brought on, in many cases, by the pressures of 2020.
“What I was looking for,” one woman told me, “was a deep, meaningful relationship. What do you do when it becomes clear that that’s not possible?” Another woman noted that spending time with her partner during the pandemic has made her feel lonely. Her partner seemed lost, and his inattentiveness turned into an unattractive aimlessness without the structure of work.
Many of us got a new view of our partner this year. A man noted, “Never before did I see how much my partner struggles with her work. Now that she’s working at home, I see it all. Not only have I had to give up a lot to keep our family together, but with this closer view of my partner’s chaotic work life, I worry things will never change for the better.”
Stress has been a huge factor in the build-up of such relationship despair. There are quick tempers, impossible schedules, fear of job loss, less sleep, more anxiety. We expected solidarity in the face of crisis and, instead, got chaos, inflexibility, fear, and defensiveness. It’s been exhausting.
This year has also made more people confront, at least a little, the idea of their own mortality. This may be why the stress of 2020 sounds like the stress of a mid-life crisis. Our time is limited, perhaps very limited. Are we living as we wish?
It’s hard to feel positive within the framework of the daily drumbeat of anxiety-inducing news. And few of us have the outlets for self-expression and enjoyment as we once did. We can’t even really connect with friends and family. These things—particularly the connection with others—provide succor, nourishment, and joy that can offset life’s minor irritations, or lessen the impact of missed connections with a partner. The year 2020 has left our relationships emotionally naked. It’s just you, your partner, and you and your partner.
2021 promises improvements
What can we learn?
COVID is far from over. We are in for a difficult winter and spring. And for the millions of people who have had a family member die during the pandemic, it may never truly be over. But there is at least some light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. There is an opportunity to learn about, and build upon, what we have experienced under pressure. Here are some of my takeaways from working with many struggling couples and helping them try to make sense of their feelings:
Our partners will never be perfect, neither will we, and that’s okay
One woman who is in the process of rebuilding her relationship remarked, “Striving for that idealized partner and relationship creates barriers. The year 2020 helped me realize that letting go of fairy tales can open up possibilities for us. I’m not letting go of my dreams, but we’re experiencing them in a new way.” By closing the gap between her idealized expectations and the reality of her relationship, this woman was able to appreciate who her partner actually is and relate to him in more positive and loving ways. Confronted with the stressors of 2020 and stripping away her pastimes, she identified the ‘underbelly of my idealism’ (her words) and replaced it with curiosity, appreciation, gratitude, and openness, things she didn’t give her partner before.
All that ‘play’ is a critically important part of our lives
If there were ever a case to be made for creating a balanced life, 2020 made it for us. Couples truly need time to do fun, new, and challenging things together and separately, all to enliven their relationship and connections. The call for ‘date night’ doesn’t even begin to cover it. Having a bonfire by the beach with friends; playing the cello in an orchestra; attending art classes together or individually; volunteering at the local library. These hobbies and passions are the bright colored threads in the fabric of life. They bring joy and purpose that reaches beyond us personally and enlivens our time together. Without that joy, we have too much time to focus on the stress of life, as well as the annoying habits our partners inevitably possess. (We all have them if we’re honest.)
Don’t discount the impact of the pandemic on your feelings
Depression, knee-jerk triggers, defensiveness, anger, and anxiety increased for many this past year. Here is one benchmark: Registration for my couples’ seminar, which has held steady for years, has more than doubled since the start of the pandemic. Almost every mental health practitioner I know has a waiting list. People are experiencing negative feelings more often, and more deeply, than they normally do.
People feel and say:
- My relationship isn’t that good
- I feel depressed and I don’t like that my partner isn’t paying attention to my feelings
These feelings are real at any one moment in time, but we don’t take into account that part of the reason this feels true and hurtful is that our lives have been hard in general. We feel less resilient than normal because the pandemic has worn us down. The anger your partner shared isn't about you; he is terrified he will lose his job and will not be able to find another. He has lost his ability to moderate his fear. With so much pressure, over so many months, everything looks bleak, including our relationships.
Now is the time to wait
When we feel helpless, we want to do something. In an environment that has been stripped of pleasures and steeped in stress, divorce seems like an option. "Is this all there is?" You may want to ask this question as you escape your current reality. Though we cannot control COVID, we sense that a change could feel good, could feel right. I would urge you to explore your feelings with an air of curiosity, our feelings always deserve that. But ask yourself: Is this impacted by the stress of the moment? Wait to make any decisions until life feels more normal again.
“Is this all there is?” The answer may be yes. But it’s more likely no. We know our lives do not currently have the color and joy they typically have. Once the pandemic is under control, you will once again have the freedom to choose what you add to your life—bringing it balance, color, and pleasure. Once play is back in your relationship, you'll be able to assess whether what you have is what you wish to keep.
