3 Reasons Why People Lie to Their Therapists

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"Although I have hired you, a professional stranger, to help me navigate my way through my darkest moments, I still can’t bring myself to unveil my deepest wounds to you — the ones that keep me up at night, and ruminate through my mind when I am just trying to get this one thing done; my deepest, darkest secrets. So instead of revealing it all, I will just tell you parts of the truth. Or, I will lie entirely."

A therapy session is an unusual invitation to reflect on our most intimate interpersonal details. These reflections take place alongside a guide whose role is to carry the flashlight and keep us moving forward, even when we see no way out. Sometimes, however, we are fearful that this guide, our therapist, will judge us. Instead of opening the door wide to the skeletons in our closet, we open it just a little, revealing only the most emotionally accessible details.

I understand this because I, too, have kept my own deepest secrets tucked away from my therapist. It wasn’t until I traded seats and became a therapist myself that I realized how limiting lying to your therapist can be.

3 Reasons We Lie in Therapy

1. Shame. Shame is an emotion sharper than a knife, preventing our healing. It is the veil to our wounds, an illusion of self-protection, and the reason that we hold our secrets close. We often do this when we feel as though fault somehow lies in our own hands, regardless of how far from the truth this may be, or the memory is too painful to relive. We then bury the details and try our hardest to not let them out, fearing the dam will break if we do.
2. Rapport. Feeling a connection with the person sitting across from you, your therapist, is critical. Rapport is one of the strongest indicators of improved client outcomes (Leech, 2005). Feeling unjudged and seen by your therapist creates a safe space for self-disclosure. When it’s not there, lying may seem more accessible than raw vulnerability.
3. To Gain Something. In some treatment settings, your therapist is part of a team evaluating your progress. And perhaps those markers of progress are your ticket out the door, and you don’t want to be there. Think: in-patient hospital stays or court-mandated rehab. These are settings where a sense of agency is diminished and therefore lying via exaggerating your progress seems like a viable strategy to accelerate your exit.

Why you don’t need to lie in therapy

The veracity of a therapy session has the capacity to influence its effectiveness. If we conceal, embellish, or omit the details of our story, we prevent our own healing. And I can promise you, as your therapist, your guide, I will not judge you. To share your honest story is brave, raw, and necessary. When you bring truth and authenticity to a session, you supply the therapist with tools to trudge through the mud alongside you as you find your way to healing.

Take Your Time

Rapport, especially, takes time. Sensing an early connection to your therapist is wonderful, but to have deep, soul-trusting rapport will most definitely take time. And if the environment in which you are accessing therapy allows for it, take your time. Rushing the details, or feeling obliged to spell them out in session one, may leave you feeling naked and vulnerable too soon.

Now, more than ever, people are flocking to therapy. The demand is high and the community of mental health providers is putting aside their own lethargy to show up for you. So, once you've made it to a session, let it out. Allow your therapist to hold tight to the flashlight when you are ready to explore the details of your story that have been buried for so long. There’s no need to lie. We are here, we get it. And anyway, we know when you’re lying.