How Depletion Is Draining Your Marriage

Francesca was tearfully reporting she wanted to connect with her husband, Lee, in the evening, but felt rejected.

“We used to talk and cuddle,” she said, “but he is indifferent now. He just stares blankly at me, then falls asleep.”

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“Her voice is so soothing,” Lee said.

Francesca was not buying this. “Evidently, my words put him into a coma. I should come with a warning label: ‘Do not listen to Francesca while operating heavy machinery.’”

As we discussed the problem, I could see what she was talking about. He was getting slack-jawed and yawning. More questions revealed other clues. At night, he had been snoring at such extreme levels that she was worried about going deaf.

“Once, I was having a nightmare about a motorcycle gang running me over,” Francesca recalled, “but the roaring engines were his snores.”

She was now sleeping in another room, so I suggested a specialist. They discovered that during Lee’s sleep, he was thrashing around and congested and would often stop breathing until his face turned red, and he gasped for air. Not too restful, and it was affecting the marriage.

Being wiped out isn’t just being sleepy. Research suggests that being worn out impairs judgment and weakens resolve. For example, tired people are more likely to be persuaded by commercials, be selfish, judgmental, and mean. This is why it is often a good idea to go to bed on an argument and come back to it fresh. Resolving a tense discussion takes emotional heavy lifting, and this is hard to do after a long day.

It is also draining to work on multiple things at once, and the brain isn’t very good at this. I was working with a group of patients who struggled with sexual behavior many years ago. Armando was making good progress working the 12 steps but admitted to the group that he was going to lie to his wife that night. He said he was going to stop at the KFC on the way home for a bucket of chicken. She had him on a diet, and he agreed that he needed it, but indicated that he didn’t have the energy to abandon his relationship with extra crispy drumsticks at the same time he was giving up porn.

Mental fatigue is costly. Challenges coming from multiple directions leave people worn out and unable to keep their good intentions. As late-night host Seth Meyers sarcastically observed: "A new study has found listing calorie content on menus has almost no effect on encouraging customers to choose healthier foods. The study was conducted by looking around."

When partners are depleted, they don’t really care what the right thing is; they just do what feels good in the moment. Who wants to have a late-night budget meeting when it is easier to play video games or sleep? Partners need to have the energy to see clearly and make good decisions.

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