Why Breaking Up is So Hard to Do

Tis the season to be jolly. Yet many of us are not exactly jolly; rather, many of us are feeling sad. Indeed, this may be the season for separating from an unsatisfactory relationship. The end of the year could well signal the end of a hurtful union.

Take the case of Mia.

“I can’t stop crying. I don’t understand why I’m so upset. He was so awful that I should be relieved that it’s over finally.” Mia sobbed.

I responded, “That’s what you tell yourself at a cognitive level, but deep down at an emotional level you’re hurting.”

Wiping her eyes, Mia agreed, “I’m hurting a lot.”

“Talk about your feelings.” I suggested.

Mia sat up straight and said, “I’m angry with him, and I’m angry with myself. But I’m also sad.”

“Uh huh…” I said

“I hate him for what he did to me.” She spoke loudly.

I inquired, “What did he do?”

“He cheated and he lied.” She got to the point.

I wondered, “How’d you deal with it?”

Fury filled her face, as she said, “I yelled, screamed, and called him all kinds of names.”

“And what was his reaction?” I asked.

Mia explained, “He withdrew and said nothing. I kept yelling and he just sat there. He didn’t say a word, like he didn’t hear me. I got madder and madder.”

“I can imagine.” I commented.

“No you can’t really. I’m not at all nice when I’m angry. I called him insulting terrible names and I even cursed. He denied, made excuses, and lied.” Mia was crying again.

I interpreted, “So he avoided the real issue of why he cheats. It sounds like he fears confrontation and is passive.”

Mia stopped crying and said loudly, “I wouldn’t call him passive. I’d say he’s cruel and insensitive.”

“He may well be passive aggressive.” I suggested.

Mia said, “I’ve heard the term but I don’t know what it means.”

“Clearly, you show your anger directly. But some people like Tony keep it bottled up and then they do something aggressive or mean indirectly. Cheating is a good example of passive aggressive behavior. Perhaps Tony is angry with you, but can’t confront you so he acts out indirectly.” I explained.

Mia looked bewildered, “Why would he be angry with me? I was so good to him and catered to his every whim.”

I responded, “I’m sure you were great to him I have a feeling his behavior predated your relationship.”

“I don’t know.” Maybe so.

I asked, “How long were you with Tony?”

She said, “We dated for three years and we lived together for two. So I guess it’s five years.”

“When did you first realize he was cheating?” I probed.

In a way, I knew right from the beginning.” Mia said.

“Uh huh…”

She told me, “He was a big flirt always. I found him on line, video chatting and masturbating with naked women. I confronted him, but he said it was nothing, just fun. I loved him and wanted this to work so I looked the other way.”

“Did that help to look the other way?” I asked.

“She responded, “No, I was suspicious and kept checking on him online and on his phones. This suspicion became an obsession with me.”

“So in a sense, you were glued to him.” I said.

Mia got back to me. “Not so glued because he still managed to cheat.”

“Oh my… I said.

She began to cry again, “I found him texting other women, but he’d lie and make excuses. I hoped he would love me enough to give up the other women.”

I suggested, “So you wanted him to change.”

Mia paused for a moment to reflect and said, “I guess so, but he didn’t change. He needed the constant attention and validation by others, so he just continued. He was arrogant, and showed no empathy for me.”

I remarked, “He was narcissistic.”

She concurred, “Definitely, it was all about him.”

“What was the final straw?” I asked.

Mia told me, “This is what happened. Tony is a writer and he would go over to Haley’s house often. She was his editor and he claimed they were working together. I was jealous and told him so, but he said they were only collaborating and that nothing else was going on. I didn’t buy it so I nagged and nagged and he finally he told me they were having an affair.”

“That must have been so painful.” I commiserated with her.

A tear came to her eye which she wiped away quickly. “Yeah, but Tony told me she was a fling and he really loved me. I wanted him to give her up and stop cheating. He said he’d change and I wanted to believe it but I just couldn’t. I needed to end the relationship but it was so hard.”

“Breaking up is indeed hard.” I said.

She explained, “It wasn’t all bad, there were good times also. We liked the same movies, the same music, nature, and we cooked together. He even wrote poetry for me. There were wonderful times. I miss those and I miss him.”

“I am sure you have good memories and that’s part of why it’s so hard to break up a relationship.” I suggested.

She came back with, “But the bad outweighed the good. He was unfaithful, so I could never don’t trust him. I know I had to end it but why is breaking up so hard?”

“We have different structures in our brain. The frontal lobe is in the neocortex and it is the seat of reason. We also have an ancient structure called the amagdala that is the seat of emotion. The amagdala overpowers the frontal lobe so your emotions rule your reason.” I explained the neurological basis that makes breaking up so hard to do.

Crying, Mia said. “He kept promising he would change, but I know he wouldn’t.”

“Perhaps this pain of trying to change someone who ignores you is something that occurred in your childhood and was never resolved.” I suggested.

Mia responded, “No one in my family cheated.”

I explained, “There may be other patterns of behavior that were hurtful to you. Describe your relationship with your mother.”

“My mom was beautiful and vain, and self-absorbed, and she was super busy. She was very social, outgoing, life of the party and I was a shy, quiet, introverted child. My younger brother was more like her and I was more like my father and of course, he was her favorite.” She recounted.

“That must have been difficult.” I commiserated with her.

Mia winced, “It was. No matter what I did, my brother bested me. I was smarter in school than him, but he had more friends and that mattered to my mother. When I tried talking to her about my feelings, she wouldn’t listen to me. She was always too busy to pay attention to me. It’s like I wasn’t important enough for her.”

“So, like Tony, she could not be reached emotionally and it felt like you were insignificant.” I drew the parallel.

Mia did not really make the connection. “But she didn’t cheat on me like Tony did.”

I explained further, “Not in the same way, but she cheated you out of approval and validation.”

“I kind of see what you mean.” Mia said quietly.

“I think we should spend time processing your disappointments with your mother and you will recognize how the past exacerbated the present. It will be easier to see how both of them disappointed you. Then breaking up will still be sad, but not as hard to do” I said.

She concurred, “OK.”

“What do you think you learned from this experience?” I asked.

“To go with my instincts and not try to change anyone.” She got it.

In therapy, Mia is coping with the loss of the relationship with greater equanimity. She is in the process of healing and wishing to close the year by closing this chapter in her life and moving on. And she has begun her new journey by talking to a new man that she met at the library.

If, like Mia, you have been stuck in a toxic relationship and have found it hard to separate look back at your childhood to recognize unresolved conflicts that are playing out now. For help in examining childhood scripts that exacerbate your disappointments, read my book The New Science of Love: How Understanding the Brain’s Wiring Can Help Rekindle Your Relationship (Sourcebooks, Casablanca, 2011.

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