Life in the Digital Universe: How Do You Define Infidelity?

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In today’s world, especially the online world, the once-clear line between relationship fidelity and infidelity has, for many couples, gone blurry. And unfortunately, without clear and full agreement up-front about what does and does not count as cheating, you and your partner can easily end up confused and angry. This is especially likely when one of you thinks a certain behavior counts as a betrayal, but the other thinks that behavior is perfectly OK.

• Is looking at porn a form of cheating?
• Does it matter if you do or don’t masturbate while looking at porn?
• Does sexting with someone other than your partner count as cheating?
• Is webcamming a form of cheating?
• Does it matter if you do or don’t masturbate while webcamming?
• Does it matter if the person you’re webcamming with lives half a world away, and you’ll never meet them in person?
• Is chatting with an ex-partner on social media a form of cheating?
• Is it OK to have a profile on a hookup app, even if you don’t plan to use it for in-person hookups?

In addition to this list of questions about specific behaviors—which could continue ad nauseam—there is also the question of whether digital cheating is as bad (as devastating to the betrayed partner) as real-world cheating.

To answer that last question, I conducted a study with my colleagues, Dr. Jennifer Schneider and Dr. Charles Samenow. In that study, partners of cheaters reported no difference between online and real-world betrayal. Cheating is equally painful either way. Another finding from the study was that, typically, it’s not the nature of the specific sexual or romantic act that causes betrayed partners the most pain; it’s the lying and secrets that surround the betrayal.

To summarize:

• Digital cheating is every bit as painful as real-world cheating.
• With relationship betrayal, the loss of relationship trust is ultimately more hurtful than the actual infidelity.

The results of this study led me, when writing my book Out of the Doghouse, to create the following definition of infidelity.

Infidelity (cheating) is the breaking of trust that occurs when you keep intimate, meaningful secrets from your primary romantic partner.

It is important to note that this definition does not talk about specific sexual or romantic acts. There is no direct mention of porn, apps, webcams, or any other behavior, either online or in the real world. Instead, the definition focuses on what matters most to a betrayed partner: the loss of relationship trust.

Another aspect of this definition is that it leaves the specifics of what qualifies as cheating up to the couple, recognizing that every couple is unique, with singular histories and values, so their interpretation of what counts as cheating (particularly in the online world) will also be unique. For some couples, Facebook chats with an ex, or using porn, or webcamming with strangers might be fine; for other couples, not so much.

This means the question in the title of this article—how do you define infidelity?—is truly relevant. Your relationship is your relationship. You and your partner get to mutually agree upon the boundaries that define fidelity. What others think is not relevant. As long as you and your partner agree on the behaviors that are OK and not OK, along with the level of disclosure you want about behaviors that are OK, and those boundaries are followed by both you and your partner, you’re good. It is only when boundaries are crossed or secrets are kept that true betrayal occurs.

One final note: Infidelity is not necessarily the end of a relationship. Couples counseling, support groups, and various online resources have helped countless relationships not only survive cheating but thrive afterward, thanks to improved communication, better boundaries, and deeper emotional intimacy.