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Key points
- Sexual harassment and abuse are common among men in power.
- New York Governor Andrew Cuomo announced that he is resigning his post in the wake of numerous sexual harassment allegations.
- Following sexual harassment allegations, Cuomo is neither accepting responsibility nor admitting to bad behavior.
2017 was the year of the #MeToo movement. Over a span of about 12 months, we learned about the sexual misbehavior of one powerful man after another. Politicians, athletes, actors, producers, newscasters, and more. It seemed like each new day brought us a new name.
One would think that a full year of fallen stars—each with a startlingly similar pattern of alleged and/or admitted harassment and abuse—would have caused all men in positions of power to look at themselves in the mirror, assess their past and current behaviors, and, if needed, change the way they interact with women (or men, as the case may be).
Apparently not, however, as this morning New York Governor Andrew Cuomo announced that he is resigning his post in the wake of numerous sexual harassment allegations. Despite his resignation, several sources report that Cuomo is neither accepting responsibility nor admitting to bad behavior, and that he is instead attempting to frame the situation as a “generational misunderstanding” of some sort.
Does Cuomo’s explanation sound familiar? If not, I suggest you hop in your time machine and travel back to 2017 when we were treated to an endless parade of similarly lame denials and excuses from the likes of Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Roger Ailes, Anthony Weiner, and others.
Why some men harass women
The question that the public continues to ask, of course, is why. Why do men in positions of almost incalculable power choose to sexually harass and abuse others? When these men engage in sexual misbehavior, what, exactly, are they thinking?
Well, after nearly three decades as a psychotherapist treating sex and intimacy disorders, I can tell you that in the moment of their actions these men were not thinking. At least not in any clearheaded way where the possible consequences of their behavior came into play. That much is obvious. Why else would intelligent, successful, highly public men chase something as fleeting as sexual gratification in ways that so thoroughly jeopardize their careers, reputations, marriages, and, in at least a few cases, their freedom?
In my experience, these men either don’t expect to get caught (usually because they’ve been getting away with sexual misconduct for years or even decades), or they’re lost in a fog of emotional arousal and preoccupation in which they feel invulnerable—immune from the possibility of discovery and consequences. In the latter situation, the neurochemical rush of emotional and sexual arousal creates a false sense of protection, an increasingly impenetrable “bubble” in which nothing but the sexual behavior matters.
In this bubble, the intellect of even the most intelligent and successful men is divorced from their actions. Think about Bill Clinton, a highly intelligent (Rhodes Scholar, Oxford) individual engaging in sexual misconduct in the Oval Office. Hardly the actions of a thinking man in his right mind.
Typical attempts to explain harassment
After their behavior is exposed, as we have seen repeatedly in the press and as I have experienced almost universally in treatment settings, these men justify their actions with an extensive array of minimization, rationalization, blame, and denial. They provide themselves, their therapist, their lawyer, their loved ones, and the public with all sorts of misinformation to explain their behaviors. Generally, these statements boil down to one or more of the following:
- All men behave this way. I’m just the unlucky guy who got caught.
- If other people engaged in this behavior, it would be unacceptable, but I’m different because...
- If I weren’t so rich/famous/powerful, nobody would care about this.
- People want me to help them get ahead, so why shouldn’t I get something in return?
- I’m a catch. Anybody who doesn’t want me is crazy.
These excuses ignore the generally accepted boundaries of the workplace, society, and very often the legal system. And that is a problem. These men want us to believe they are living their lives with integrity and we should respect them, but then they violate our trust by acting in sexually inappropriate ways. Then, when they are caught, they seem surprised and even outraged that people are singling them out.
Sadly, this misguided thinking typically endures long after sexual misbehavior comes to light, as these men stubbornly continue their process of minimization and repudiation. Today, we are seeing this with Andrew Cuomo and his “generational misunderstanding” statement. This and similar attempts at damage control tend to do more harm than good, but they nevertheless seem to be the go-to defense for allegations of harassment and abuse.
As of now, Andrew Cuomo seems to be hoping, even after announcing his resignation, that everyone will feel sorry for him and then forgive and forget the allegations against him. On the surface, he seems to be thinking: If I deny this long enough and loudly enough, it will all blow over and things will get back to normal.
Unfortunately, if the allegations are accurate, “normal” involves a long-standing pattern of sexual harassment and abuse. And in my experience, these patterns are unlikely to change without significant therapeutic intervention. Generally, this involves intensive short-term treatment to break through denial and establish healthier behavior patterns followed by longer-term outpatient treatment to help the individual stay on track. My hope for Andrew Cuomo (and other men engaging in similarly problematic behaviors) is that this type of assistance will be sought.
