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Singlehood
Couples Have “The One”; Singles Have “The Ones”
Emotionally and practically, having “the ones” can be a very good thing.
Posted February 16, 2024 Reviewed by Devon Frye
Finding “the one” is widely celebrated in the U.S. and other nations, too. According to the prevailing mythology, once you commit to "the one," all of the pieces of your life will fall into place.
In your spouse or romantic partner, this idea goes, you have the person who fulfills all of your wishes and needs, especially your emotional needs. You have the person who cheers you up when you are sad, calms you when you are anxious or angry, and cheers you on when things are going well. Popular songs romanticize the idea of "the one and only" with lyrics such as "You are my everything" and "I just want to be your everything."
The One vs. The Ones: The Evidence
Social scientists who have studied people over a number of years of their adult lives have found evidence for this focus on "the one" among people who become romantically partnered. When couples move in together, or when they marry, they become more insular. For example, they are in touch with their friends less often and they call their parents less often. That doesn’t just happen in the early throes of romantic passion; in a study that followed people for six years, the couples continued to be more insular six years later.
Results from other research suggest that as people go from living single without dating, to dating, to moving in with a spouse or romantic partner, to having kids, to becoming empty nesters, they tend to shed friends and maintain less contact with friends all along the way.
Meanwhile, single people are typically more connected to more different people. For example, the results of several national surveys show that single people are more likely than married people to exchange moral, emotional, and practical support with friends, siblings, parents, coworkers, and neighbors.
Single people, therefore, seem to have "the ones" rather than "the one." Is that a good thing? Some research suggests that it is.
Having “The Ones” Is Linked to Life Satisfaction
I have emotion specialists in my life. For example, when something good happens to me, there are some specific people I just love to turn to, because I know they are going to be so happy for me and so effusive about saying so. When I want someone to share my righteous anger, though, I might look to someone else, and when I want someone to hang around with when I'm anxious, I might think first of someone different from the first two.
I don’t have "the one"—the person I turn to no matter how I am feeling. A series of studies by Elaine Cheung and her colleagues suggest that having different people to help you with different emotions ("the ones") is linked to greater satisfaction with your life. (I discussed this research in more detail here at Living Single.)
Having “The Ones” May Also Have Practical Benefits
In Single at Heart: The Power, Freedom, and Heart-Filling Joy of Single Life, I address the question so often lobbed at single people, particularly those who live alone, that sometimes seems designed to scare them out of their single ways: What will you do if you need a lot of help for a long time? Who will be there for you? For many single people, the answer is "the ones."
For example, Kristin was slammed by a car when she was out bicycling and was on the cusp of death. Her recovery was intense and took many months. Kristin had no spouse or romantic partner and no kids, and her relatives lived far away.
She did, though, have a devoted circle of friends who were there for her the whole time. That was a good thing for her, and for other single people who also had long-term needs for help and a network of people who cared about them. In Single at Heart, I said:
“The advantages of having The Ones rather than The One are not just psychological. In practical ways too, multilayered support systems can provide protection. If someone in Kristin’s network had other commitments or fell ill or was simply in a bad place emotionally, Kristin was not as vulnerable as she might have been if she had been counting only on a spouse for all of her support needs. The people providing the support benefit too, emotionally and practically, when the sole or primary burden is not on them. They can provide the kind of help they want to give, when they are able to provide it, without worrying that if they don’t step up, no one else will.”
There Are Always Exceptions
When you are reading the results of studies from the social sciences, you are reading about what the researchers found on average. There are always exceptions. Some married people are not at all insular and some single people are. Sometimes having "the one" works just fine and having "the ones" doesn’t.
What we do know, though, is that on average, the stereotype of the isolated single person who has no one who will be there for them when they are in need, is just not true. In fact, having "the ones" instead of "the one" will often be beneficial.
