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Key points
- Autism presents differently in girls than in boys.
- Research shows autistic girls who go undiagnosed may be more likely to later get into abusive relationships.
- Chronic failure to diagnose neurodivergent girls could leave them vulnerable to abuse of all kinds.
In my 20s, I dated men who were borderline abusive.
OK, so they were actually abusive—criticizing my body (“I’d find you attractive if you’d lose weight”), “allowing” me to handle all logistics of our lives, getting drunk every night, constantly insulting my intelligence (in retrospect, out of insecurity), and occasionally punching the wall by my face.
Once these relationships ended, I always blamed myself for the abuse and swore it wouldn’t happen again. But then the pattern repeated, and I felt even worse about myself.
It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with autism in my early 40s that these abusive relationships started to make sense. According to psychological research, autistic girls who go undiagnosed may be more likely to grow up to be women who struggle with abusive relationships.
When I did all of the shopping (usually paying for the food myself), when I handled all the bills (paying those too), when I let them sleep at my place as much as they wanted without chipping in for rent, I allowed my significant others to trample my interpersonal boundaries.
Yet I didn’t want to put up boundaries because I was afraid I would make them angry. The few times I tried, they did become angry, solidifying my fears. I didn’t know that people who love you respect your boundaries because, from childhood, I was taught the opposite.
The Problem of the Undiagnosed Autistic Girls
For decades, researchers have known that there is a gender bias in the diagnosis of girls (or kids who are assigned female at birth, or AFAB) with autism. This gender bias manifests because there is, when looked at big-picture, a “female autism phenotype.” That is, autism presents differently in girls than in boys.
(A note on gender: when I refer to “girls” in this piece, I’m referring to all people who were assigned female at birth. Also note that research on autism and gender is, unfortunately, deeply embedded in the male/female gender binary.)
What does the female autism phenotype look like? Researchers have found that, “compared to equivalent males, females with [autism] are less likely to have externalizing behaviors, such as hyperactivity/impulsivity and conduct problems, and are more vulnerable to internalizing problems, such as anxiety, depression and eating disorders.”
Furthermore, girls are more likely to “camouflage [i.e., mask] social difficulties in social situations.” This “female” presentation of autism leads to a widespread lack of diagnoses of girls.
And these missed diagnoses mean that autistic girls and others who tend toward the female autism phenotype grow up without support. Without support, autistic girls develop habits that make them vulnerable to victimization.
They learn to suppress their true selves in order to avoid punishment, bullying, and abuse by adults and peers. This suppression leads to masking, which causes anxiety, depression, and more. It also teaches girls that their true selves are garbage.
They learn that their own needs aren’t valuable. So they suppress their own needs and learn instead to meet the needs of others. Pleasing of others (“fawning”) seems like the best way to ensure that they are treated well and kept safe. What they don’t learn is how to set boundaries, physical, and emotional.
But all of these habits have the opposite effect of providing protection for autistic girls. Instead it leaves them vulnerable to assault, abuse, and other forms of victimization.
The Subtle Harm of a Life Without Boundaries
One day, I walked into my home after work. He was there, as usual. Having my boyfriend in my space all the time was not unusual for me; all of my boyfriends preferred my homes to their own.
After all, I kept my home clean. My bed was comfortable, and my fridge always had food. It didn’t occur to me that invading my space without giving me anything in return (rent, grocery money) was a way of trampling my boundaries.
As I entered, I was unsurprised to I find him at my computer, because he liked my computer better than his own. This time, though, instead of checking his email, he was reading a document of mine, a draft of a memoir I’d been working on.
I don’t know how he found the document, and I don’t know how long he’d been there reading it. I only know that I felt awful when I saw him, like he’d dug around inside my private space without my permission.
(Which he had.)
“What are you doing?” I asked.
He said, “This is incredible. You’re really talented.”
I replied, “But that’s mine. You shouldn’t be reading it.”
He didn’t look guilty at all. He thought his praise of my work would excuse his invasion of privacy. He probably thought that I would just get over it like I always did.
Instead, when he wasn’t around, I changed the password to my computer.
The next day, when he couldn’t log in, he was furious. When he demanded why I changed the password, I replied that my computer was private, and he’d invaded my privacy.
Part of me must have known that simply asking him to stop would not have stopped him at all.
Instead of sitting down with me to discuss how violated I felt when he read my work and why I felt the need to change the password, he stormed out of my apartment.
He didn’t return my calls. He ignored me when I saw him in the coffee shop. Finally, I begged his forgiveness for daring to demand one space it was mine alone.
Finding Boundaries and Letting Go of Self-Blame
I’m lucky I found a kind and supportive spouse, leaving behind these relationships. But I still struggled for years—decades—to understand that I am allowed to say “no.” That I’m allowed to ignore a phone call if I’m busy. That I don’t have to please people to be worthy of love.
When I view these past relationships through the lens of undiagnosed autism, I can finally understand how the chronic failure to diagnose neurodivergent girls and those assigned female at birth leaves us vulnerable to abuse of all kinds. The abuse wasn't my fault.
This is an epidemic that only two things can begin to resolve: affirming neurodiversity so that we no longer feel ashamed of our differences and gaining a better understanding how neurodivergent people present across our spectrum so that we can support all neurodivergent people.
References
Sarah Bargiela, Robyn Steward, and William Mandy, “The Experiences of Late-Diagnosed Women with Autism Spectrum Conditions: An Investigation of the Female Autism Phenotype,” Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 46, no. 10 (October 1, 2016): 3281–94, https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-016-2872-8.
