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Key points
- When setting boundaries, it’s crucial not to give in when your adult child pushes back.
- Encouraging your child to take responsibility for their actions helps break the entitlement mindset.
- Entitlement often thrives in an environment where respect is one-sided.
Managing an entitled adult child can be a challenging and emotionally exhausting experience for parents. Whether it’s endless requests for financial support, special treatment, or refusing to take responsibility for their actions, these situations can quickly spiral into resentment and strain the entire family dynamic. But there is hope—by implementing clear boundaries, fostering mutual respect, and teaching accountability, you can reclaim control of your relationship and help guide your child toward maturity.
I highlight three proven strategies with my parent-coaching clients to manage their entitled adult children, along with real-world examples highlighting these action tactics.
1. Set Clear Boundaries—and Stick to Them
Setting firm boundaries is one of the most effective tools for dealing with an entitled adult child. Often, entitlement grows from a lack of limitations, where the parent repeatedly gives in to demands or excuses for bad behavior. By clearly defining what is acceptable and what isn’t, you’re protecting your well-being and teaching your child an invaluable lesson in respect.
Example: Catherine's son, Javier, was 25 and still living at home despite being capable of moving out. He refused to contribute to household chores, constantly demanded money, and had no plans to find a stable job. Catherine bent backward to meet Javier's requests, feeling disrespected and emotionally drained. She finally realized enough was enough.
Catherine sat down with Javier and told him he had two months to find a job, pay rent, or move out. To her surprise, Javier initially lashed out, accusing her of not caring about him. But Catherine stood firm, calmly repeating her new boundaries. Within a month, Javier began working part-time and eventually took more responsibility for his life. It wasn’t easy, but Catherine’s clear boundaries shifted the dynamic.
The key takeaway here is consistency. I have spoken with many parents who have dropped the consistency ball. These parents unwittingly reinforce to their adult children that persisting with demands pays off. When setting boundaries, it’s crucial not to give in when your adult child pushes back. Although this may cause friction at first, it fosters a healthier, more balanced relationship in the long term.
2. Encourage Accountability, Not Dependency
Many entitled adult children lack accountability, believing they are entitled to support without offering anything in return. Encouraging your child to take responsibility for their actions and decisions helps break the entitlement mindset. As I point out to my parent-coaching clients, this doesn’t mean you stop supporting them altogether, but rather, you ensure that your help fosters independence rather than dependency.
Example: Tony and Lana's daughter, Emma, was 28 and constantly relied on them for financial bailouts. Whether it was covering her credit card bills, rent, or other expenses, Emma never seemed to manage her money and always had an excuse as to why it was someone else’s fault. Tony and Lana realized they were enabling Emma’s poor financial decisions by always rescuing her.
They decided to sit Emma down and explain that from now on, they would no longer cover her bills. Instead, they offered to help her create a budget and referred her to a financial advisor to teach her better money habits. Initially resistant, Emma soon realized she needed to make better choices. Over time, Emma developed a healthier relationship with money and stopped expecting her parents to fix her problems.
Tony and Lana allowed Emma to learn valuable life skills by shifting from enabling behavior to fostering accountability. While it may be uncomfortable to let your adult child experience the consequences of their actions, it helps them grow in the long run.
3. Model Mutual Respect and Set Consequences
Entitlement often thrives in an environment where respect is one-sided. If your adult child disrespects you or takes advantage of your kindness, you must model the behavior you expect from them. This includes not tolerating rude or entitled behavior and setting consequences when boundaries are crossed.
Example: Patricia’s 30-year-old son, Ethan, constantly berated her when he didn’t get his way. He expected her to drop everything whenever he needed help, and if she couldn’t, he would accuse her of being a bad mother. Patricia felt trapped in a toxic dynamic where her emotional needs were dismissed. After attending a parenting workshop, she realized that she had to teach Ethan that respect was a two-way street. The next time Ethan lashed out, Patricia calmly told him she would no longer tolerate being spoken to that way and walked away from the conversation. She explained that until Ethan could talk to her with respect, she wouldn’t be able to help him. It took time, but eventually, Ethan began treating Patricia more kindly, understanding that their relationship would only work if mutual respect existed.
Establishing consequences for disrespectful behavior is crucial in situations like Patricia's. By modeling respect and enforcing consequences, you create a space where your adult child learns their actions have real impacts.
Conclusion
Managing an entitled adult child is undoubtedly challenging, but by setting clear boundaries, encouraging accountability, and modeling mutual respect, you can create a healthier and more respectful family dynamic. These strategies take time and consistency but empower you and your child to build a relationship grounded in respect, responsibility, and mutual care. Remember, the goal is not to punish your child but to guide them toward adulthood in a way that fosters independence and personal growth.
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