Managing the Impact of a Struggling Adult Child on Siblings

Families often grapple with how to support grown children in emotional pain without unintentionally neglecting or overburdening their siblings. Managing the impact of a struggling adult child on siblings can be a delicate and challenging task for parents.

The parents whom I coach share that they experience a range of emotions when they see one of their adult children with serious struggles. These emotions include feeling anxious, overwhelmed, frustrated, guilty, stuck, and sad.

Parents must learn (or relearn) how to support their struggling adult child without enabling them. It is equally crucial for parents to help maintain family harmony and ensure that all siblings feel valued and understood.

The Dynamics of Family Support

When an adult child faces difficulties, whether due to financial problems, mental health issues, addiction, or unemployment, the immediate focus often shifts to them. Parents naturally want to help their struggling child, but this can create an imbalance where the needs of other siblings are overlooked.

The impact on siblings of struggling adult children may be hidden or palpable. Yet I repeatedly see these siblings struggle with resentment, jealousy, and stress. They often feel that their issues are less important or that they are expected to carry more weight to compensate for the struggling sibling’s shortcomings.

Communication Is Key

Open communication is essential in managing these dynamics. Families should create a space where all members can express their feelings and concerns without fear of judgment.

For instance, in a family where the oldest daughter, Cayla, is battling depression and has moved back home, her younger brother, Mike, might feel neglected. Mike, who is saving up some money before moving out, is excelling in his job and personal life. Yet being in the wake of Cayla's struggles, he may feel that his achievements are ignored in the shadow of his sister's emotional pain and chaos.

I have seen families benefit from in-person family meetings or Zoom calls to have a forum for family members to connect. The adult child facing significant struggles mustn't feel attacked or stigmatized. From my experience, starting these meetings by having each family member share what has been going well and what could be going better can create a more balanced way of connecting.

Engaging a family coach or therapist to facilitate these types of meetings can add a sense of emotional safety and help ensure more authentic, calm, and constructive conversations. When I coach such meetings, I reinforce empathy and positive interactions because, in families with struggling adult children, the dynamic can often feel overwhelmingly negative.

Equitable Support Strategies

As I further learned when researching for my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, equitable support doesn’t necessarily mean equal support. Each sibling has different needs and capacities. For example, consider the Miller family: their son, David, lost his job and moved back home. His sister, Izzy, is a single mother working two jobs.

The parents might provide David with financial assistance and a place to stay, but they could also support Izzy by offering to babysit her children or help with household chores. By addressing each child's unique circumstances, parents can foster a sense of fairness and understanding.

Avoiding Parentification

Parentification occurs when siblings are forced to take on adult responsibilities or caretaking roles prematurely, often to support a struggling sibling. This can have long-term negative effects on the sibling’s emotional and psychological well-being.

In the Thompson family, for instance, after their middle child, Jason, developed a substance abuse problem, the oldest child, Lisa, lives in another city. Yet Lisa finds herself managing household responsibilities amidst draining phone calls and text messages with her mother.

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This is because Lisa is beleaguered frantically trying to provide recommendations to her parents who are overwhelmed from caring for her youngest sibling, Tim. It’s vital for parents to recognize the signs of parentification and to seek outside help, such as therapy or support groups, to alleviate this burden from the sibling.

Encouraging Independence and Responsibility

While providing support is important, enabling a struggling adult child can be counterproductive. Encouraging independence and responsibility helps prevent resentment among siblings. Take the example of the Hernandez family, where their daughter, Maria, has been struggling with chronic unemployment. Her brother, Luis, who has always been financially responsible, starts to feel frustrated when Maria relies excessively on their parents.

The parents can encourage Maria to develop job skills and seek employment while setting clear boundaries about the extent of their support. This approach not only aids Maria’s personal growth but also demonstrates to Luis that responsibility and effort are valued.

Creating Individual and Shared Experiences

It’s important to maintain both individual relationships and family unity. Parents can spend quality time with each child individually to reinforce their unique bond and affirm their importance.

For instance, after dealing with the ongoing struggles of their daughter, Hannah, with anxiety, the Roberts family decided to take turns spending a day with each child doing activities they enjoy. This helped Hannah feel supported without overshadowing her brothers, Jake and Sam, who also felt valued through these special times.

Seeking Professional Help

Sometimes, the complexities of family dynamics require professional intervention. Family therapy or coaching can be an effective way to navigate these challenges. A neutral party can help the family address underlying issues, improve communication, and develop strategies for equitable support.

For the Nguyen family, whose youngest son, Kevin, has bipolar disorder, therapy provided a space for his siblings, Anh and Bao, to express their feelings and for the family to learn how to support Kevin without compromising their own needs.

In Conclusion

Managing the impact of a struggling adult child on siblings requires a multifaceted approach that emphasizes communication, fairness, and individual support. By acknowledging the needs of all family members and fostering an environment of understanding and respect, families can navigate these challenging dynamics and maintain a healthy, supportive, and loving environment for everyone involved.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.