Do You Give In More Than Your Partner?

One of my clients, Beth, a 48-year-old married woman, recently suggested an interesting idea to me about intimate relationships and marriage. She said,

Dr. Jeff, I think for a relationship to work, one partner may need to give in more to maintain the equilibrium necessary for a healthy and lasting connection.

How can each intimate partner not have different needs at different times? Therefore, the concept of compromise becomes crucial in relationships, as it requires a willingness to yield, adapt, and prioritize the well-being of the relationship over individual desires. The question based on Beth's reflection is this: Do both partners yield equally, or does one give in more than the other?

When One Partner Gives in More Than the Other

While mutual compromise is an ideal scenario, there are situations in which one partner may need to contribute more to foster stability and happiness. This isn't a sign of weakness or inequality but, rather, an acknowledgment of the fluid and dynamic nature of relationships.

One of the primary reasons one partner might need to give in more is the inherent differences between partners. Whether it be in communication styles, values, or personal preferences, disparities are bound to arise.

For example, in one couple I worked with, there was Seth who was more extroverted and enjoyed socializing frequently. He was married to Anne, who preferred quiet evenings at home. In such cases, the partner with the more flexible disposition (Seth was more situationally flexible in this case) might find themselves making concessions to accommodate the needs and preferences of their counterpart.

Effective Communication and Gratitude Override Inequalities

Open and honest conversations about expectations, desires, and boundaries can pave the way for understanding. The partner who gives in more may need to express their feelings, concerns, and needs clearly, fostering an environment where both parties feel heard and respected.

Understanding that compromise is a two-way street is crucial. While one partner may be making more concessions, the other should reciprocate by acknowledging and appreciating those efforts. A lack of gratitude or taking one's partner for granted can create resentment and strain the relationship. Mutual appreciation and recognition for the efforts put forth contribute to a sense of balance and equality, even when one partner is giving in more.

Extenuating Circumstances Call for More Flexibility

In certain cases, external factors such as career demands, family obligations, or personal challenges may necessitate one partner taking on a more supportive role. For instance, if a partner is facing a particularly demanding period at work, the other may need to pick up additional responsibilities at home to alleviate stress and maintain a sense of stability. This isn't about unequal power dynamics but rather a demonstration of love and support during challenging times.

As one example, Shandra, age 39, received an offer from her company to get trained for a new high-level promotion. The big catch meant that her partner, Kim, had to accept that Shandra had to move to a faraway city where her corporate headquarters was located. Kim stepped up to support Shandra despite that Kim did not want them to be physically separated. Shandra glows now when she looks back at how supportive Kim was for Shandra to advance in her career.

Empathy Is an Emotional Lubricant for Finding Compromise

The key to a successful relationship, where one partner gives in more, lies in fostering empathy and understanding. Both partners should be attuned to each other's needs and be willing to adapt when necessary. This requires a certain level of emotional intelligence and empathy (Kim, for example, had empathy for Shandra) to navigate the complexities of human emotions and the ever-evolving dynamics of a relationship.

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Interestingly, Beth, upon further reflection said, "Actually I think my husband and I work together a lot. The more I look at when he does compromise the more see I that we each do our part enough so that any differences don't matter."

To Beth's point, it's important to strike a balance to prevent relationships from becoming one-sided. As I explain in my book Why Can't You Read My Mind? continuous self-sacrifice without reciprocity can lead to toxic thoughts and feelings of neglect and dissatisfaction. To avoid slipping into the toxically overly compromising rabbit hole, the partner who gives in more should communicate their needs and boundaries effectively, ensuring that their efforts are acknowledged and valued.

How Much Do You Compromise?

Here's a brief quiz to help you reflect on your level of compromise tendencies in your intimate relationship. Remember, it's essential to be honest with yourself while answering these questions. The purpose here is to support your self-awareness and growth versus seeking a quantifiable score.

1. Communication. How often do you openly express your feelings and thoughts to your partner?

a. Always. b. Frequently. c. Occasionally. d. Rarely. e. Never.

2. Compromise. When disagreements arise, how willing are you to find a middle ground or make compromises?

a. Always. b. Most of the time. c. Sometimes. d. Rarely. e. Never.

3. Initiation. In terms of initiating activities or discussions, how proactive are you in your relationship?

a. Very proactive. b. Proactive. c. Neutral. d. Passive. e. Very passive.

4. Listening. How well do you actively listen to your partner's concerns and needs without becoming defensive?

a. Always. b. Often. c. Occasionally. d. Rarely. e. Never.

5. Independence. Do you maintain a healthy level of independence and personal space in the relationship?

a. Yes, always. b. Most of the time. c. Sometimes. d. Rarely. e. Never.

6. Support. How supportive are you of your partner's goals, dreams, and personal growth?

a. Extremely supportive. b. Very supportive. c. Moderately supportive. d. Slightly supportive. e. Not supportive at all.

7. Apology and Forgiveness. How easily do you apologize when you make a mistake, and how readily do you forgive your partner?

a. Always apologize and forgive. b. Often apologize and forgive. c. Sometimes apologize and forgive. d. Rarely apologize and forgive. e. Never apologize and forgive.

After answering these questions, reflect on your choices. If you find consistent patterns of giving in too much or not enough, it might be worthwhile to discuss these aspects with your partner or seek guidance from a relationship counselor for further insights. Keep in mind that a healthy relationship involves a balance of giving and receiving from both partners.

The success of a romantic relationship often hinges on the ability of partners to navigate the delicate balance of compromise. In situations where one partner needs to give in more, effective communication, mutual appreciation, and a commitment to understanding each other's needs become paramount. The journey of love is a shared venture, and the willingness to make concessions for the sake of the relationship can lead to a more fulfilling and enduring connection.

© Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. (All rights reserved)

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